  Ice, elevation, mental activity folding in on itself. Too much consciousness the past few days trying to wrap my head around the fretted meeting with the dept chair. She was so gentle though and I know that about her. Yet I worried, and I continue to do so. I had one of those moments today where you think youre crazy and go about unraveling reality from the inside out. What if Im wrong? (Ok, I know Im not) but this is a serious matter. And judging by the way Ive responding to it over the past months, its ridiculous that I let it hurt me so; that I let it fester and turned it in on myself. Like my broken ankle that I waited a month at least to deal with or even have xrayed. Its time that has turned the solidity of what went down into a muddle of woe.
Im confident I did the right thing. However painful to revisit in a context like this. Listening to the Cures Lullaby hoping to wind down eventually. Theres so much I feel like I need to take care of and so much of me wanting to stop myself and give it a rest already. I underestimate the stress Im under. If nothing else, my body is helping me to acquire a taste for stasis and silence. I wish Kerri was around to come over and share my bed. Sweet KerriLou and her beautiful feet and toes and her wonderful skin.
So beautiful together we were. urlLink So Beautiful Together.jpg This song always makes me lusty. I invited her to see me graduate but Im not going to be there. There a loss in that. many losses in that. Pain intercedes. My Day of the Dead figurines are staring at me with mocking, teeth-filled mouths of laughter reminding me that the only thing that really matters is my mental and physical health.
All the rest of this is petty crap. Being out of work, accumulating debt, missing out on my last two weeks of school, postponing graduation, being gay, gaining weight, living alone Its all being tended to in the order of importance. Think Ill head outside and bask in the moonlight with one more cigarette. The stillness after the windy day is the soothing pause I need. Bless my pals for sending me well wishes for Fridays surgery. Ill send you bloody pictures as soon as possible. 
