  More sadness on yet another front. The fires? Well, Ill get to that. Its complicated. Itll preface it with that. Tonight I felt the old pain well up in my chest, throat, arms, and hands.
K said something that caused my little heart to stop, my verbal ability clammed up. I was sitting on top of her, kissing on her stomach. She said something to the effect that I was all over her or something the gist in my little head is that I was being asked to back off. I dont really remember the context; just that the sense of rejection was sharp, pointed. And reminded me of Claudia. All those hours playfully lying with each other, me and Claudia would engage in this non-stop push and pull of how close shed allow me to be.
Being pushed away, thats what I remember most. So when I saw it happening again, I hurt. It hurt really bad, you guys. And like anything that rips into me like that, I went immediately in my mind to things that could make it stop. And that lead me to those inevitable thoughts: What am I getting myself into? Did my heart sign me up for something it cant truly backup?
Is this another repeat adventure of loving someone too distant to reciprocate? But no. thats not where it all ended up. It wasnt easy to sit with it, the remembrance like Prousts Madeline. But seeing my baby hurting. The crux of the matter being her propensity for shutting down when I indulge in that honey-sweet intensity.
I scare her. It breaks my heart to know my love is causing someone pain. But we talked about it. I got to hold her darling head to my chest and wipe some tears away. I got whispered words into her tiny little ears. I got to connect with her.
So honored am I that she let me in. Yet I let her go. To get some sleep in her own bed and possibly to let out a better cry once shes all alone. I love her. I hope she can feel this, even if it is only a little at a time. Its all any of us can.
Dont be embarrassed that you feel these things, Kerri. Celebrate your courage. Its going to be ok. Do you know what a wonderful miracle it is that we're feeling this together? Do you know how incredible I feel sharing my bed with you? All the things too intimate to talk about on a public blog? It's what makes life matter, this stuff.
It may have its flaws, but it's worth a shot to explore. It's worth the pain and fear to jump in and test the currents. worse comes to worse, at least it's a beautiful view once you're sucked out to sea. When Im with Kerri, Im relaxed. Im calm, Im within myself. I know pain is part of it, and Im alright trusting the larger forces at work.
Two passionately feeling people coming out of long spells of emotional hibernation. Whatever happens, weve already gained so much from this. As long as we can communicate and continue to be honest with our feelings when they come up. Tonight wasnt easy, but it felt good to be able to tell her outright that it felt like back when I was with Claudia. What I didnt get into is how it felt like being with her. It made me feel shameful for wanting to be amourous with anyone, for having desire, for expressing my love for someone with my hands instead of just my words.
It made sex such an issue of control that I /never/ had the wheel to steer. Its made me passive. I used to not be this way. And now when Im not, Im reminded of why theres the risk of denial. And that denial carries a heavy weight of shame as its companion. The permission has to be explicitly given.
And in a situation where defining a relationship is a sticky wicket yes, the hurt is inevitable. And guess whos got their uniform are pressed and ready for tomorrows rematch? Im so not running off. Nor am I charging in without taking heed of the signs to slow. Our thing is on its own trajectory upward. I think of it as its own living entity, shaping and growing outside of my reach of overt manipulation.
So like, its out of my hands. Save for my part in it. My behaviour. My respectfulness of Kerris past and present hurt. God, I love her. Whatever that means.
Remember the video game, Paperboy? I miss that game. If anyone can find me a PC version, let me know. And again, Wanda Sykes is radical. Buy that girl a drink! Time to wind down. 
