  Neko Case - Tightly Painting is hard work. Im taking a break again after finishing, more or less, with the master bathroom. The cramps in my hands aside, its a fun little hobby to play around with color. Something mindless to do while listening to music/NPR and thinking about other things. Like my appointment today with Janice, the new therapist. Our second session and already Im glad I got back into the mix.
Its not always pleasant to delve into things, but to have someone listen to me without the complications of maintaining a tangential relationship is a valued asset. We spoke of that, how its difficult to have a friendship with someone who once held a different position. Roles get confused, reemerging memories complicate the picture (vis-is Leslie). Ive come to no conclusions except to keep it in mind.
No action taken. Trying not to behave as rashly or with the same knee-jerk responses that dont honor the nuances. I wore shoes to the appointment. Sounds like a mundane foot note, I know, but this was the first time since my ankle surgery. Yes, its still injured and hurts like mad right now. But it was my other one that began collapsing on me today, causing me to stand still with all my weight on the scarred one.
I just wait it out when that happens. The procedure common when we hammer our thumb or something, and we count to three before the pain hits. Its just pain; it floats off (unless it's my back - then it's constant - like now). Between the painting, the house maintenance, and the workouts, my body is feeling the pressure. Headaches all the way down to my broken toes. This meaty frame has such a history of violence. Ive written off pain killers for the time being that aren't alcoholic , so Ill just have to readjust to the added locus of my ankle.
Ok, so this is troubling: Janice speaks of wanting to beat her up or smack her several times when I talk of Claudia. First of all, Claudias ripped a la GI Jane. She can do one-armed push-ups, Im certain. It's terribly sexy. Shed break your neck, honey. And two, its not anger that I need to harness to get over that experience. I understand what shes trying to insinuate, that anger is appropriate. But come now, shouldnt the pain be more of the primary focus? Mine as well as hers. Maybe not hers , ok. My empathy for Claudia is not where the work lies. But I think I will have to ask her to stop saying to me, But youre a big girl now. Give me a fucking break, lady.
Im 26, not 12. Its diminishing to my person to be spoken to like a child. Well, its disrespectful. What part of my experiences signals to her that shes to speak to me like that? Im sure itll stop with a quick mentioning of my offence. Maybe she thinks it's cute? Best be off to do the final cleaning before Kyles arrival tomorrow. Yay, a roommate! 
