  Il y a un probl. La nuit que jai parle a les femmes, jai propose que nous prenons Ecstasy pour New Years Eve. So now the thought of it is in my head. I just called Kegler to inquire about the possibility of acquiring a few pills for the evening. Hes making calls, although no one I know is still doing real drugs and I doubt the impulse will present itself in physical form. Lucky that Im that far away from my old drug life.
I used to have three folks I could call for anything from weed to meth to E to coke. Anything. Its been three years since Ive taken E. After taking them every weekend for about six months, thats some incredible stretch of time. A hundred pills maybe Ive taken in my time. Equal to acid hits (except for that time I spilled liquid L on my hands, I would be under a bit). Yet its been over five years since Ive snorted a line of meth or smoked it.
And that stuff nearly killed me. Is this wise to try getting high again? No. yet at least Im not bringing it to the Lit Girls. The fact that I even mentioned it hurts me. Theyre innocents.
I would feel horrible for years knowing I brought them to such a dangerous drug. Its dangerous because its good. So good, Im in love with everything and everyone. I could stare at a corpse and love it. And its so terribly bad for you. I cant be responsible for that.
Its fabulous, that drug. But once. Once I had the worst trip of my life on any substance. I could feel the base of my spinal column burning. The hole that burns into your brain on that stuff. Tony was giving me a back massage, and suddenly I went into terror mode.
I jumped up and screamed and ran off. I thought he was going to rape me. I spent the entire trip trying not to die, staring at the ribbon hanging off of a balloon stuck to the ceiling. If I moved my eyes, I thought I would die. I took too much. And all at once.
And the only thing I could do was to focus on breathing and wait it out. The things I saw that night it was so terrifying, I cant put it to words. Too much heroin in them, I guess. And mescaline. And theres no way I want them to see me jonesing. I cant take just one or two.
I want four by the time the night is over. I start grinding my jaw and getting cranky, pulling out my hair and chain smoking. I get wacko. I crave. I crave in an ugly way. Ill do anything for more.
Even smoking dope. Most people just eat a lot, laugh, and get stupid. Me? I get manic. I talk too much. I get incredulous about the media and the philosophy of stoners.
I cant enjoy myself the way normal people do. I like to clean, food disgusts me, and I get weird. Any drug. I dont react normally. I retain my ability to speak in clear, concise sentences. I retain all my mental faculties.
I lose my sex drive on most things (pot and E, aside), and I worry a lot about other peoples trips. Im a good guide for trippers, but sometimes I need one of my own. Why go through all of that. Thats why I say this New Years just DRINK. You get the same effect each time, and youll never end up in tears in the corner of the room with liquor. Ok, thats not true.
Dont ask me about anything. Can I put Lord Gandolf on my sexually amazing list? I just love him. And I can put him there because were both queer. 
