  a friend asked for my top ten monty python moments,  which i can fill easily with maybe just two episodes,  but i've watched about ten or so -  which is too much.  of course,  presenting them in text does no justice compared to seeing it on your own.
 anyway,  here they are in no particular order:  ten:  " All through the winter of '43 we had translators working,  in joke-
proof conditions,  to try and produce a German version of the joke.  They worked on one word each for greater safety.  One of them saw two words of the joke and spent several weeks in hospital.  But apart from that things went pretty quickly,  and we soon had the joke by January,
 in a form which our troops couldn't understand but which the Germans could.  nine:  Accountant:  Lady Chairman,  sir,  shareholders,
 ladies and gentlemen.  I have great pleasure in announcing that owing to a cutback on surplus expenditure of twelve million Canadian dollars,  plus a refund of seven and a half million Deutschmarks from the Swiss branch,  and in addition adding the debenture preference stock of the three and three quarter million to the directors' reserve currency account of seven and a half million,  plus an upward expenditure margin of eleven and a half thousand lira,  due to a rise in capital investment of ten million pounds,
 this firm last year made a complete profit of a shilling .  Chairman:  A shilling Wilkins?  Accountant:  Er,  roughly,
 yes sir.  Chairman:  Wilkins,  I am the Chairman of a multi- million pound corporation and you are a very new chartered Accountant.  Isn't it possible there may have been some mistake?
 Accountant:  Well that's very kind of you sir,  but I don't think I'm ready to be Chairman yet.  Board Member:  Wilkins,  Wilkins.
 This shilling,  is it net or gross?  Accountant:  It's British sir.  Chairman:  Yes,
 has tax been paid on it?  Accountant:  Yes,  this is after tax.  Owing to the rigorous bite of the income tax five pence of a further sixpence was swallowed up in tax.  Board Member:
 Five pence of a further sixpence?  Accountant:  ( eagerly)  Yes sir.  Chairman:
 Five pence of a further sixpence?  Accountant:  That's right sir.  Chairman:  Then where is the other penny?  Accountant:
 .  Er.  Board Member:  That makes you a penny short Wilkins.  Where is it?  Accountant:
 .  Erm.  Chairman:  Wilkins?  Accountant:  (
in tears)  I embezzled it sir.  eight:  This is a frightened city.  Over these houses,  over these streets hangs a pall of fear.
 Fear of a new kind of violence which is terrorizing the city.  Yes,  gangs of old ladies attacking defenseless,  fit young men.  seven:  dinsdale sketch.
 Vince:  Yeah. after that I used to go round his flat every Sunday lunchtime to apologize and we'd shake hands and then he'd nail my head to the floor.  Interviewer:  Every Sunday?  Vince:
 Yeah but he was very reasonable about it.  I mean one Sunday when my parents were coming round for tea,  I asked him if he'd mind very much not nailing my head to the floor that week and he agreed and just screwed my pelvis to a cake stand.  .  Gloria:  I should say not.
 Dinsdale was a perfectly normal person in every way.  Except is as much as he was convinced that he was being watched by a giant hedgehog whom he referred to as Spiny Norman.  Interviewer:  How big was Norman supposed to be?  Gloria:  Normally he was wont to be about twelve feet from nose to tail,
 but when Dinsdale was very depressed Norman could be anything up to eight hundred yards long.  When Norman was about,  Dinsdale would go very quiet and his nose would swell up and his teeth would start moving about and he'd become very violent and claim that he'd laid Stanley Baldwin ( british pm in the 1920s)  Dinsdale was a gentleman.  And what's more he knew how to treat a female impersonator.
 .  Vercotti:  Doug ( takes a drink)  I was terrified of him.  Everyone was terrified of Doug.
 I've seen grown men pull their own heads off rather than see Doug.  Even Dinsdale was frightened of Doug.  Interviewer:  What did he do?  Vercotti:  He used sarcasm.
 He knew all the tricks,  dramatic irony,  metaphor,  bathos,  puns,  parody,
 litotes and satire.  six:  Vicar:  It's about this letter you sent me regarding my insurance claim.  Devious:  Oh,
 yeah,  yeah -  well,  you see,  it's just that we're not. as yet.
totally satisfied with the grounds of your claim.  Vicar:  But it says something about filling my mouth in with cement.  Devious:  Oh well,  that's just insurance jargon,
 you know.  Vicar:  But my car was hit by a lorry while standing in the garage and you refuse to pay my claim.  Devious:  ( rising and crossing to a filing cabinet)
 Oh well,  reverend Morrison. in your policy. in your policy. he open the drawer of the filing cabinet and takes out a shabby old sports jacket;  he feels in the pocket and pulls out a crumbled dog-
eared piece of paper then puts the coat back and shuts the filing cabinet) here we are.  It states quite clearly that no claim you make will be paid.  Vicar:  Oh dear.  Devious:
 You see,  you unfortunately plumped for our 'Neverpay' policy,  which,  you know,  if you never claim is very worthwhile. but you had to claim,
 and,  well,  there it is.  Vicar:  Oh dear,  oh dear.
 five:  Chemist:  Right.  I've got some of your prescriptions here.  Er,  who's got the pox?
 ( nobody reacts)  .  Come on,  who's got the pox .  come on.
 ( a man timidly puts his hand up)  .  .  there you go.  (
throws bottle to the man with his hand up)  Who's got a boil on the bum.  boil on the botty.  ( throws bottle to the only man standing up)  Who's got the chest rash?
 ( a woman with a large bosom puts up hand)  Have to get a bigger bottle.  Who's got wind?  ( throws bottle to a man sitting on his own)
 Catch.  four:  Man:  To boost the British economy I'd tax all foreigners living abroad.  three:  Ximinez:
 So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions.  Well,  we shall see.  Biggles!  Put her in the Comfy Chair!  (
Biggles roughly push her into the comfy chair)  Now.  You will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunch time,  with only a cup of coffee at eleven.  ( to Biggles)
 Is that really all it is?  Biggles:  Why,  yes lord.  Ximinez:  I see.
 I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot,  do we?  Confess,  woman.  Confess!  Confess!
 Confess!  Confess!  two:  SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION:  'JULIUS CAESAR ON AN ALDIS LAMP' Close- up of Caesar walking in Roman street.
 Soothsayer pushes his way up to him wild eyed and produces Aldis lamp and starts flashing:  SUBTITLE:  'BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH' Some steps at the foot of a statue.  Caesar is stabbed.  As he falls he brings out a really big Aldis lamp and flashes to the assassins around him.  SUBTITLE:
 'ET TU BRUTE' one:  Watkins:  And grenades,  sir.  And machine guns,  sir.
 So I'd like to leave,  sir,  before I get killed,  please.  Colonel:  Watkins,
 you've only been in the army a day.  Watkins:  I know sir but people get killed,  properly dead,  sir,  no barley cross fingers,
 sir.  A bloke was telling me,  if you're in the army and there's a war you have to go and fight.  Colonel:  That's true.  Watkins:
 Well I mean,  blimey,  I mean if it was a big war somebody could be hurt .  Colonel Watkins,  why did you join the army?  Watkins:
 For the water- skiing and for the travel,  sir.  And not for the killing,  sir.  I asked them to put it on my form,
 sir -  no killing.  Colonel:  Watkins are you a pacifist?  Watkins:  No sir,
 I'm not a pacifist,  sir.  I'm a coward.
