  POST The days without a good night's sleep is currently at ten, seven of those are generated from the turmoil and stress that's hammering away at my head. I currently have over $2500 in assorted bills that are due to various companies at the end of the month. Immediately I hear the whines and mentions of student loans, but hear me out. $390 of that is due tomorrow in order to keep the man with the tow truck from coming to my house and towing my car away. The problem lies in the fact that currently in my checking account is approximately $160. Great.
Plus I'm working for about 18 hours a week so they might as well be paying me in piss. And no, I have no idea why they'd be paying me in piss...just back off. Too many things hit me at once and they haven't straightened themselves out yet. My brain races all day about the things I should be doing and the things I wish I could be doing. And then when I get home, my brain races all night about the things I should be doing and the things I wish I could be doing. Everything has almost completely gone full circle for me again. Almost five years to the day, I found myself sitting at my desk, alone and plugged into the internet. Five years ago I was walking the halls of the infamous College of Lake County with no one here in the home town. Five years ago I was working at a small deli in my spare time after school. I was depressed, I was angry, and I was so confused about everything. So where am I today? Sitting at home, plugged into the internet. I'm back wondering those same damned halls at CLC, I'm working part-time at an place that is sucking my life force away, and I'm more poor now than I was back then. I'm depressed, I'm angry, and I'm certainly more confused than I was five years ago. I mean it's not all bad, right?
So I'm poor and living at home and fighting to the death with my college career. But I've also kept some close friends over all those years and I've certainly fallen in love. Then why the hell am I losing sleep every night and stressing my days away? Why do I wake up depressed and go to bed angry? Because I've grown consistently more scared about failing everything and scared about not know what the hell is going on tomorrow or what's waiting around the next corner. I'm pretty sure if you asked most of my friends about my life, they'd say they were proud of me or think I'm this kind of good person or that, and the truth is I appreciate that. But their voices can't ever seem to overpower the ones that rattle around in my head. I've failed so many times at so many things that the pessimistic outlook of automatic failure that I have is just always the first reaction I have.
Why am I scared of college? Because I'll fail. Why am I scared of my relationship? Because I'll fail. Why am I scared of moving across the country? Because I'll fucking fail. Life is certainly a harder place to live in when you won't even give yourself a chance.
So who's going to leave the "it's not that bad" comment? I wake up depressed because I'm not good at fighting my life alone, I've always turned to my friends for time away from my life to keep me going. I'm depressed because this summer, Connie and grew so close and now I get to see her every other weekend if I'm lucky. I'm depressed because I'll either be seeing her every other weekend for the next two years, or if somehow I make it to Los Angeles, maybe twice a year if miracles happen.
And to those of you affected by my current LA dilemma, I don't care what you think, I would stay for her. You would too. I'm depressed because nothing feels right. This room, this house, this town, this skin, all feels like it's just a little too tight. I can't explain how I feel really I guess, I just keep saying that I feel very 3rd person. My world isn't 180 degrees off, more like 10 degrees. It's enough to notice, but not enough to really worry about. It's like I tripped over my plug while my power was on and when I plugged myself in again, files were moved and missing and I can't run right until I get that together. I'm depressed because I advance this misery in my dreams of the future. I'm scared that if I'm screwing up this badly now, how can I pull this off in the end?
How can I expect my friends to keep faith in me when I back down? How can I expect to keep my promises to the girl if I can't keep any promises to myself? How can I expect to live happy when I live on the downside? I'm starting to think the philosophy class I'm taking wasn't such a good idea. I'm angry because I'm trying so hard to find a way out of here, and every road keeps coming up a damn cul-de-sac, I drive away only to find myself heading right back to where I came from (that was a GREAT analogy, admit it).
I'm angry because I just want all this to work and every time I see any glimpse of hope, it gets chewed up and shit back out in my face. I just wish once something would slide this way or that way just enough for me to think I can do something. I get so frustrated because I feel like I've been kicked around so long that something good has to happen.
But I also do understand that if I want to achieve dreams and goals or whatever, I need to work towards them. Obviously. The problem with Dave Sliozis is he doesn't know what he's working toward and until he figures that out, he'll be damned if he's going to give anymore than 50% on anything. Perhaps this is his fatal flaw. Jesus, I just went third person. See? What the hell is that all about? I just don't believe in putting my all into something that doesn't seem like it will take me anywhere. I'll never give 100% of myself to the people I work with because I just don't care that much about the job. It's a paycheck, that's it, no career choice there. I'm angry because I've totally fucked myself over in everything.
If I wasn't such a goddamned retard I would have been long gone, who knows what I would be doing, but it wouldn't be here. Goddamnit, everything would be different, I know. And I guess I might be complaining about other things. I'm going to give myself a heart attack before I'm thirty. Fuck it. And Im not going to except the usual barrage of you can do it comments.
Something is broken, actually, a lot is broken and it needs fixing. If I knew what was broken and how to fix it, I wouldnt be writing this. And if it couldn't get any worse, I'm getting fat. Might as well break out the booze and smokes and finish this bitch off, eh? Im tired, and guess whatIm angry. Lets see if I can sleep tonight, Im not counting on it. 
