  God, I hope you people are ready to read. I feel like fucking Charlie Brown, everything I do seems to be wrong. It's as if I owe everyone something, as if there is no one else but them and I owe my entire lives to these people. And because of that, do any of you think I move anymore, do you think I breathe anymore, or live? Do I do anything? Of course not, I'm too afraid that if I do, someone is going to get pissed off at me. And no, all of you "fickle Joshua" people, this isn't just about Leigh Anne. This is about Alex and Nick and Rosie and scores, LEGIONS of others. They all expect me to "their" Josh when in fact I am simply struggling to be "my" Josh. I don't owe any of you anything past my friendship and occasional undivided attention, and I make damned sure of that every single second. I don't owe you an expected personality, nor do I owe you what you are wanting to hear versus what I am going to tell you.
By god, I'm going to say what I want. Because obviously the rest of you are taking these rights, and I have EVERY FUCKING PEROGATIVE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD TO DO THE SAME FUCKING THING. I'm not for you, I'm for me, just as is everyone else. I have thoughts, I want them to be heard. I have ambitions, I want them to draw breath no matter how foolish they are. I want me . It's what I've wanted all this time isn't it? I wanted to be my own rather than a servant to my thoughts. It's becoming severely impaired as of late. If I think of or talk about person A then person B gets angry or starts prodding at me, and vice versa.
Now throw about a thousand more letter combos in there, welcome to my life. I'm sure Philip could attest, the poor guy, he has every right not to give a fuck about Becca or Rosie, either and both. He could just say "Goddamit, get away from me you fucking psychopaths," in not so many words, and I would applaud him and pat him on the back, and if he said the same to me I would just nod and walk away. Why, because Philip is exercising his right to liberation. Non serviam, do you all know what that means? I serve no man . And that's exactly right. I'm getting fucking FED UP with this mental servitude, these shifting alliances. All of my friends hate each other foundlessly and SOMEONE AT THE FOCAL POINT GETS TORN TO PIECES because of it.
I owe THEM , no, I owe THEM . That's what I felt like in the first post on this BLog, I just didn't know how to voice it, but now I see it so clearly that it sickens me to death. TO ALL OF YOU RIGHT HERE AND NOW: I DESIRE YOUR GOING TO HELL IF YOU THOUGHT FOR ONE SECOND I WAS YOURS TO COMMAND, IF YOU THOUGHT THAT I OWED IT ALL TO YOU, GO TO HELL AND GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME . How DARE any of you impede upon my right to live, how DARE any of you find my thoughts on people and things as false, HOW DARE YOU CONTROL ME. I'm sorry to death, but I have no pity for those of you who would look upon this post as a meer fit of rage.
It's about time I woke up and started listening to reality. Lindsey, for instance, she NAILED one night when she called. I don't remember anything, hardly anything, but I remember it being along these lines, perhaps not intentionally but it got there to me. And perhaps that wasn't what she wanted me to get out of it, but it is what I am getting out of it. So goddamned tired of feeling the fool for everyone else. I will not be yours. Non serviam. 
