  Thanks for that, Linds. I'm beginning to think that this whole Glen thing really isn't bothering me. Speaking of empathy, this has a lot to do with my resentments and inner quarrels more than that.
My mother being there or not...there isn't much I can do about that. It's to the point that no matter what I say, I can't change a damn thing about her never being here, and I've come to accept that. It would have to come to the point of me failing a suicide attempt to get that attention. I know because... Well here's where it gets tricky. I know this because of my dad's little deal back in ninth grade...he didn't give a shit either way about us in the midst of that wonderful rendezvous.
When he broke up with that girl he even went so far as to blame me for it, to make me feel guilty and rub it in my face; that's how far gone he was...and that's a lot of reason why I haven't forgiven him entirely. This situation with my mom is reminiscent of that one; not that Glen is a bad person, but that my world is enveloped by him, regardless of what I think I can do about it, Glen is a part of my life and I refuse to accept him entirely...out of fear.
Out of fear of losing it again and going back into those wonderful days of rain and dark black and Slipknot and suicide and general fear of everything, want of love that wasn't there: finding a replacement love and finding out all too late it was the wrong kind. I don't think it would be that drastic this time around...it's happened before, and I have some definite positive reinforcement this time around...but it's like being able to sense danger...it's an instinct.
It's being able to feel the rain coming from a once-broken bone, to feel the hairs standing up on the back of your neck, to smell a gas leak and think "Peligro! " (en espagnol!). It's insecurity and it bugs the crap out of me. But this is all going to go ok because I have Abby, who provides that love that so happens to be the right kind this time around, I have this BLog and all of it's wonderful inhabitants, and I have a self-assurance this time, I have learned that I don't have to kiss ass 24/7 just to have people like me: I have bad days like everyone else, fuck the ones who can't cope with the fact that I may just be having a pretty bitter existence at the moment.
I wrote all that because I was scared and I ran to the BLog looking for the answer...but the BLog can't come to the answers, only I can; we, ourselves, are the only ones that can answer our own questions and straighten our own affairs, we are the ones that need to decide the here and now.
Advice is good for directing us at the right answer...but the fact remains, resolution is always better than vacillation. JD (drum teacher) heard our CD today...well, mine. Stranglebox is genuinely falling to pieces. I'm pretty sure I'm letting go of Alex and trying to assimilate Nick...but that's another story. JD first listened to I'm Just A Bastard after screwing with a few of the preliminary tracks, he just sat with his head down and listened. Then I started singing and his head darted up and he said, "I like that effect on your voice, man," and he looked like I had just started some f-ing revolution.
He said to go to 4, Painpainted , and noted that I was peaking out at first (that's a bad thing), but as the song went he started laughing to himself...he flipped out on this one. "Did you do the drums?...Yea?...They're badass...You're a really good vocalist, man...I'm digging those harmonies...You're an incredible songwriter..." and on and on and on. And yes, I'm showing off a little. The reason this is really landmark, however, is that when he heard My Solution way back he was sort of unimpressed.
He liked the way the song was written but it needed some serious work. This time he was bugging out. He about pissed himself during Broken Me in that cool little off-time drum section, and the part before the off-time drum section, and most of the song, for that matter. Altho he said it wasn't sonically "rockin'" yet, I'm pretty sure he was more than damned impressed by all of that. So maybe he'll produce us? That would be awesome considering the guy is a genius. So I'm really tired and I hate making frickin' big posts, altho I know that every time I post I always make a huge one...sorry all. Kinda why I don't get on as much anymore. But whatever. Here's lookin' at you, kids. 
