  O not much Z...the usual insanities. Getting pwned / etc. And now for something wholly depressing. And that is, not having a mother. Well yes, I do, biologically, in that she, in fact, did give birth to me and still has a pulse and respirates. But the problem lies in Glen, her "boyfriend", I suppose would be the term...akk not for my mother, heheh. But yes, that's the best term. So the dillio is, she's been going out with him every day for the last three or so weeks, not getting back til the small hours of the morning.
The other day she had Glen pick her up and left me the car and her bank card, so as to get money so as to be nourished. Which I did, in having Wendy's, which was really good. It started out nice enough, and then it just spiralled out of control, I guess. It's not that I don't like Glen; I do. Not that I really know him, but I don't see anything bad about him immediately. He's got a lot of money, he doesn't call me "sport" (I said I would de-spinalize him if he did, right off, along with "tiger", "ace" and other such diminuitives), and he was the dumped one in his last relationship, when his wife cheated on him and his evil empire of money (well, not "evil", per se, but it sounded good) collapsed and he was left...not in the dregs of poverty, really.
He had enough to start over and has. He's insightful enough, and moreover, he's not an asshole, and that's always a good thing. So all that good junk, why am I so pissed? It's not like I'm so dependant on my mother for everything, it's just the abscence therein that's causing me some pretty heavy grief, and it shows in the way I write stuff.
This all came up when I was suffering PMS (Pre Monday Syndrome) yesterday, and sort of made me think of things the way they are for a change (my world is my own, a little euphoric bubble of unadulterated bliss most of the time), and I must say, I didn't like it. One...my dad. And he's reading this but I don't really give a shit. It's mine so blah. He's been really sick lately, some kind of bug, he's having heavy debt problems, so much shit, and somehow I've never been able to muster much pity.
It's been this way since Becca, I haven't been able to be kind with him for very long. My mom once said that "once someone's broken your trust it never comes back". I attributed this to why I was always angry with him until the day I discovered that I am the only one that can make my world better. I never tried to, though, to make it better. And yesterday I asked him to come listen to my CD in my room.
He laid out across the bed while the first track was going, and I went downstairs to get some tea, then I came back up and stood in the doorway...he didn't hear me come in. He was looking at his hand and he kept flexing it and looking at it, for the duration of the song, mostly (5+ minutes, I guess). I came and sat down next to him after a while. He then told me that he was "so blessed to have such wonderful children who would help him through all of this"...and then he cried, silently but I noticed, I always do, but this time....I couldn't take it, I just couldn't stand the fact that he referred to me as so good when I feel like I harbour such hate and mistrust all the time.
And then I looked into his eyes and I saw the lack of sleep around them...under his eyes was a heroin-wasted purple and gray, like he hadn't slept in years, and the eyes themselves, bloodshot with tears and long nights awake. That picture stuck with me, and his words...his unshakable faith in me, acting like I'm such a great person while I feel like I don't even give a fuck half of the time...all of this has worn me down to the point that I made a great long emotional post (been a while eh?). I fear so much that I cannot control. I fear his dying, I fear losing my mother, I fear the school as much as I'd like to say I fight it and win all of the time.
Most of that fear came with watching Linds feeling blown in fourth today, hearing the schedules she keeps up. Been having such wonderful dreams lately...one about Abby that was funny, other than that, I've been dissected and forced to watch, raped (that was a weird one), I've had to bounce around a city because every time I jumped gravity would lose it's force...the problem was the landing, which actually hurt in the dream, and that gut-wrenching feeling you get while being thrown around on a roller coaster to boot.
The endless homework...it isn't bad but for crying out loud, I'd like to have a life...not that I'm going to do it anyway, but lives=good. So now that I've been a post-adolescent baby once again, I feel a lot better...thanks for putting up with this as it comes all. Ciao friends. 
