  Augh, I get the cool BLogger in Nashville, I get the gay one here. WHY? Aww well...whadaya mean I'm not an EMO kid? The long hair, the screamy, "I wanna kill myself because nobody likes me" songs, the generally nihilistic life outlook? I've been working so hard for the EMO kid just to get it all ripped away...SADNESS. Heheheh o well, I guess I can go back to being a little geek now.
I wish they had strawbaby flavoured schtick when I was a kid, I hated the grape...ugh! I think I mentally linked it with being sick and thus, cannot stand it, and I was sick a lot as a kid (if I remember right) so tharr ya go, arr. This weekend was really weird. I hope it's the caffeine, but I feel really normal for a change. I'm normally feeling really panicky and thinking the world's going to blow up if I don't take control of every aspect of my life 1234897/7, but for some reason...hum. I got out of the car today and I thought, "Wow, I feel different. " It's weird because it feels like I'm not going to be so freaked out over stuff anymore but at the same time, I'm afraid to not be panicky and paranoid and stuff, just cuz I've been doing it for so long. And wondering how it's going to make me think about interactions and stuff. It all started with something my dad said..."I haven't talked to Laurie in a long time, since her mother died..." And that was it, but it reminded me of how I used to think of things last year, and so I asked him the questions I had always wanted to hear, and the first one was, "Do you hurt? " and then he answered, and I asked "All the time? ", and he answered. And for the whole ride I tried to sort out his problem and it was so fucking hard...it reminded me of how I used to be, totally hopeless and living every day like it was a nightmare.
That still carried on, albeit a shadow of its former self, until today. I asked myself this weekend if the past was really worth holding on to, and if what I recall as the past was really, truly "the past", or just some pain-painted coverup my head made up. But the answer was: "What does it matter, it's not like it's coming back. " I feel so weird...I guess it only happened because I found out my dad was just like me, trying too hard to impress everybody...it works for a while but people figure it out eventually....else, they subconciously do and look down on you for it, either way.
But it's my own father... Eh, I dunno. I'm really torn about what I'm stumbled upon here and how it's going to affect everyone around me. It's not sadness...I've figured out how to handle that, and grief and loss and all those wonderful malevolents...it's the masked sort of fear that forced courage conjures up, it's conquering a new world even tho I've been there before. It's confusion. It's knowing that I can be comfortable here and not being able to settle in, and wondering why I still have to beat myself up.
There's you an EMO kid trait...the simple fact that I have a BLog bears testament to that. My sister just said the following stuff and I typed some of it down, and I thought I should share But then you're not thinking about it, it's just like, "Eh". She was like, "Wow, you type incredibly fast. " Ha, Dusty, I have you in a body...block! The world is fucked, we're all gonna die! Josh, you're a loser! (after seeing that I was typing everything she was saying, and wondering why I wasn't talking back to her) 
