I'm taking all of you off. I knew it wouldn't work, it was a bad idea. Sorry, but if I can't have one of you, I won't have any of you. And remember, it's nothing personal, it's just something I need to do for now, I need to listen to myself and only myself. Trust that you'll be back very shortly. I'll give you all one last post unless I hear otherwise, attack me and not each other...although the rest of this post is going to be damned contradictory to that last part. Why is it... Everything I do is hopeless. Everything I say is worthless. Everything is just dead. I don't understand why things are so great one minute and ruined the next. Leigh Anne and I were together today, and all of a sudden, she decided to take it all back. And it wonders me that I can't just let it all go and hang up the silent phone right now, the silent phone with that girl's bullshit as she takes back slowly everything and acts like she's all above it. Like none of this will ever come back to get her. Believe me, when it does, I'd love to say I'd be the first one to point
and laugh, but I know I won't, and the rest of you know it too. It is ridiculous how much I punish myself... But it is more grossly fascinating of how much strength I have. With this, I could conquer the world, and instead I foolishly spend it on a girl who loves me sometimes and is irresolute the next,
one who I'll always come crawling back to. After all, having her is a dream. You always chase your dreams, and when it's in your grasp, you grab it, no matter the consequence. I need to talk to someone with an answer, not just good ideas. Not people at war, not people that look at the surface and laugh or get angry. Not any of you who mock and jeer when I'm down because it's all my fault in the end, everyone, whether you'd like to admit it or not, points the finger at me...and you should all be pointing them to the girl who said, "I think I'm in love with him", and twenty-four hours later, "Why can't you
forget it?; I just take it back,"...you do for a while, you did, but your posts shine through that. "Joah. God I hate you."..."We're about as happy with you as you are with us."...what friends I have, friends who will never look deeper than the surface, whether they like to admit it or not. So maybe that tells me that
I should really stop being so kind to all of you since you really don't deserve it. I've noticed I get struck when I can't defend, right here in this BLog. Doesn't it make you feel invincible? Do you ever think that I won't respond, I'll take it and be apologetic? Should I, anymore? And the answer is: Yes, it does, Yes, you think I won't say anything, and No, I shouldn't apologize. I really didn't ask any of you to get involved if you noticed. My depression was my silent cry, but you didn't have to listen, I've borne it all on my own before and got through it. I was changed at the end for the worse, but
at least I didn't care what was happening to me. I want something to happen to everyone else all at the same time just so I can feel a little better, just so I won't be the hopeless, the lowman anymore. I need something beyond me. I have a hope and it's dying, I still hold. I have a dream
and it's fading, I still seek it. I have memories and they burn, they become real and they haunt me. She haunts me, who is the one who will not let go? She is a liar, and I am a fool. Lily, I need to talk to you about some things seriously...we've already been over a lot of this before but I need to ask it all in a different way. So just give me a call as soon as you can. Kenzie, I probably blame you the least for all of these things, but I won't forget some things...I forgive them, but I cannot forget. Lindsey and Rosie...what can I say...I could apologize for some things, but I deserve
it for others. Elizabeth, I don't know what you think, and you are probably the wisest. And Leigh Anne... FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FOR EVERYTHING FUCK YOU FOR THIS FUCK YOU FOR TAKING ME AND BREAKING ME FUCK YOU FOR DESTROYING MY HEAD FUCK YOU FOR BOTH THESE TIMES AND THE ONES TO COME THE ONLY WAY YOU'LL EVER BE GOOD IS WHEN YOU ARE HUMBLED AND BROKEN AND I WAIT FOR THIS DAY I SEE IT COMING AND I LONG FOR IT AND I HOPE IT KILLS YOU LIKE IT KILLED ME OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND I HOPE YOU LONG FOR AN ANSWER AND NEVER GET ONE AND I HOPE AT THE END OF IT ALL I'M THE ONLY THING LEFT THEN IT ALL STARTS OVER AGAIN THE WAY IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE WAY I ALWAYS HAD IN MIND THE WAY THAT COULD HAVE WORKED
THE WAY WHERE NO ONE WINS THINGS JUST ARE WHAT THEY ARE AND ARE NO MORE THAN THAT Trust in this, because it is coming . If you put in too much it gets spit up at you when it can't hold anymore. I know that better than anyone, what comes around goes around. To all of you... See me for who I really am, not what I pretend to be. And know... I think I've been pretending the whole time. Sorry.
