  I need to make this post. I need to tell you all something very important, and you can do with it what you will. There's someone very familiar that you all need to meet. I'll come back to that. This thing with Calhoun did not start this, it only confirmed it. Today, I had a really bad day. It wasn't the saddening kind that makes me think suicide. Quite the contrary. This was a day that is going to change my life, it was so bad. I was not depressed. I realized that I was fucking horribly mad.
More than mad, I was homocidal. I joke about it a lot, but mark me, MARK ME, I was thinking about taking a baseball bat over to that stupid whore's house and finishing the job her ex didn't. And mark me on that one, too. This is all going to come to a point, I promise, but there's going to be a ton of malice beforehand. I said do with it what you will, and I hope that you'll do just that. Actually, I didn't get homocidal until about a hour ago.
Beforehand I was complacent, I was stoic. I sat back and got pissed but I didn't blow up. I always do that. Like I told Abby earlier tonight, I was just "on a low simmer". But for some reason this one just wouldn't stay there. I blew up a couple of minutes ago. I started banging things, and Katie was laughing and so was I. I didn't think I was serious when I was saying, GOD I'M SO FUCKING MAD.
But then I felt great. Why? I felt great because I accept the reality of my situation. I've been repressing it. I don't know why. I came down to earth and said what the mother fuck I really felt about it, and I embraced the godawful truth of it. It's that I am so fucking sick of being complacent and respectful to these dickheads that are going to fuck around with me, like that stupid whore, and like Julian, and this other kid I just heard about, pulling some shit.
I figured something else out. I figured out how much complacency I have with the cycle of abuses. You know how people do? First, things are going ok, you think it's all alright and whatnot, and you trust the person. Then they start to slip and pull some shit. And then...then they just come out and abuse openly, and they don't care what the fuck you have to say about it.
And THEN, and here's the good part, they try to make up for it, and mostly, THOSE FUCKING CUNTS GET THE FUCK AWAY WITH IT!!!! ALWAYS!!!! And why is that? Because we all remember how good it used to be, and we figure they'll change, so we give them another chance, and another and another, and we convince ourselves that they actually are good people and that their bad, abusive sides really aren't what they are.
I'VE GIVEN IN TO THEM!!! WE ALL HAVE!!! I ALWAYS give in to Calhoun! I ALWAYS give in to shit, because I'm in love with the ideal, rather than reality!! I fucking hate reality! I don't live here! And therein lies the problem. I've given up trying to exist in this world. I let the complacent side get the better of me. And I know I have, and so I have some apologies to give out later. But I gave up, and I let this dumbass motherfucker take over, this thing that I'm not. This thing that doesn't think for himself, he thinks for everyone else.
He doles out advice but he can't ever adhere to any. I just gave up a long time ago, but suddenly, I'm back. Thanks, Calhoun. And so, I need you all to meet this person I gave up on because he was too perverted, too coarse, too vulgar. He was the thing I talked about in that song, I'm Just A Bastard . He's me. I've tried so long to keep him back, and I don't know why.
Maybe I thought that everyone couldn't accept him, but now I know...everyone just has to, or they just have to leave me be. So now: I need to tell the ones that have to hear this how incredibly sorry I am that I've been the one pulling the shit and blinding you towards the real me. I'll detail all the circumstances and then you'll know...perhaps you have known. Whatever the case, I need to tell you, the real me does, the one that has occasional and guiltless bad thoughts, and thinks that some shit really is gay, and really wants to take some people out. And I want you all to know right here and now: I am not blaming ANY of you for ANY of this. I don't want to hear an "I'm sorry" over any of this, this is TOTALLY not any of your faults.
This is something I have done to myself, entirely. It could be said that your actions influenced it...don't think that either. It's how I stupidly interpreted them. If there's one thing I can't stress enough, it's to keep being yourselves. I'm preaching it, yes, and right now I'm going to adhere to it. Please, don't take any of this the wrong way. I've felt it growing like a tangible presence since...god knows when. But it's been there since I can remember, and I finally figured out what it was, and am in the process of dealing with it.
Linds was right when she said, "the longer you wait the harder it will be", but I mean more than just with Calhoun. I've been waiting so damned long and not admitting to myself that I have a pretty fucking bad problem that it's turned into a nearly-impossible-to-resolve crisis. But I'm going to handle this. I hope I don't scare any of you away. I just can't keep him in anymore. All I ask is that you allow me to let him come out. So tomorrow..."fuck her feelings". In case I get suspended or do something really stupid and not like me, you all will know why because...I'm telling you. If she's going to get righteous with me, then fuck-a-hootenanny, I'm going to get righteous and then fucking some. I won't get fucking pissed on again, ever. Mark that shit, too. No more abuses. "I wonder when all the abuses became commonplace. " It just boggles me how hard I was trying NOT to think about them. I'm sorry for this post, and I'm sorry for what might follow.
But I just can't do the way I'm doing, for fear of losing my fucking mind. Please bear with me as I try to heal all this damage I've caused. I'm so sorry to all of you I've hurt by this, whether you've noticed or not, I don't know what I can do to make it better. Hell, I don't know how to forgive myself yet. Please forgive me. I'm sorry. 
