  Heh, why sure, I can fit you into my really tight schedule of doing nothing. Yarp, I'll try to see what I can do. Well yes, I think we can officially declare the body of each of our BLogs, cold and rotting. And it's really sad because, man...these things have history and drama and action and promise and all those really good things that make life worth living...yet, there goes its magnetic appeal. I guess nothing can last forever. Then again, this is me at 3:30 in the morning typing a post because I really have nothing better to do.
And I haven't been on in like...forever. I didn't have a computer, but now I do. Isn't that a conundrum. Yes, there was no question mark on that one because if I had said it, that's how flat it would have come out. Anyway, I enjoyed the Prom, party people. Hey, we'll have to do that again some time.
Hey, what do you know? I do get to do it again some time, as in two weeks some time! Well that is exciting, this is cool. I have to go get measured out again so I can get another penguin suit. Wow, 'tis cool making long EMO posts. But hey, nobody reads it anyway, right?
So it's fine. I just feel like that if I quit here, I'm not going to have anything to do, and then I'm going to fall asleep, and that would be badish. I'd rather do something cool like make a really stupid random post that, if you're actually still reading this, starts to make no sense. Hey, if you are reading this, you are cool. You're getting in touch with the Josh C. about a year and a half ago. Actually, most of those posts started out like... "Well, that's it" or "Fuck" or "So I guess I don't really know what the hell's going on anymore" or something to that effect.
Ah, the good old days of self-destruction. Did you all know that suicide is actually a method of self-preservation? It's been bugging me that for a survivalistic race, people have the ability to commit suicide, and then I read in that book Ordinary People (it's awesome, if ye all haven't read it) an explination on how it was a means of self-preservation, and I was astounded. Lord, am I rambling. Ooh, I have a good ramble that I really need to make. The shit's really starting to hit the fan with my mom.
I guess that's a lot of the reason why I've become such a self-critical, not myself jerk-off the past couple of...months, I dare say? Yea, I dare. Man, when we go at it, we go at it. There's talk of me moving in with my dad until I graduate, and her...raugh. Like, the other day, she was yelling at me because I had to go and get Julian to film our project, he lives a little ways away, so she was upset at him at first, and then I said I was going to go get him, well...wasn't too happy. But here's the best part: she went, "I'm paying for this gas in this car!
" and I was like, "Well no ma, I filled it up this morning with my own money," and then she went "I bought you this amp just now! " and I said, "I told you I'd pay you back for it, you said to not worry about it! " and then she said something about being ungrateful...that really gets me. I know that a lot of the time being...I dunno, over-grateful makes me look like a loser subconsciously, I tend to draw out my thank yous and sorries, and mostly, I blame myself for damn near everything, even right now I'm blaming myself for that whole fight, and for everytime that I went EMO tonite, and sadly, that all just accumulates and screws me over even more the next time I have to do anything...overwhelming guilt. So anyway, she accused me of being ungrateful, and I basically screamed back that if she didn't want to provide me with the things she does, that she didn't have to, because I'm not asking for them. She's always saying that I'm such a nice kid and so grateful most of the time, but I swear, when I put her out enough to shake her nerves a little, god in heaven, I'm suddenly the bastard child of the universe.
It sucks because I know I have to work it out, and I don't know how, I feel like I've forgotten how to talk to her, maybe even how to talk in general, I don't really know. I mean, I talk a lot but I don't really say anything worth it. I'd really like to know how all of this started sometimes. I mean, I'd even like to go back into yesteryear and figure out when the hell my head got so screwed up. It's scary to think about how normal I was right before ninth grade started. And now I'm this crazy bipolar paranoid fucking nutcase with a moody penchant and a tendency to either ball it up inside or let it all out to the point where I don't even know what the hell I'm feeling that's real or what I think I might feel that's real, if that makes any sense.
I'm seriously trying everything I can to stop this but everything seems to wind up stupid. I feel like some things work for a while, but then they quit and leave me screwed again, til I can pick up some new addiction and curb the burn for a while. Wow, I don't even know why this all came out. I think it's because I've seen all this happening, and I can't stand it. I guess that maybe I think of all these people I see that are just like me in this respect, and I guess they sound so fake that it makes me sick. I really need to stop talking so that you guys don't institutionalize me (just yet).
Well, on a lighter note, while trying to type people just now, I spelled it "oekieke". Beats me where the hell that came from. Sigh. I guess I'll find something else to do. Sorry for being so damned EMO once again. 
