  Today I have one of my days off from work and home alone. I decided to get serious about me and my future.
For all who reads this please understand... that my future always includes my children. But I have to make me healty inside and out. I know I can do this with my children living with me through it all. I honestly feel that if I am healthy then my children will be.
I tend to make these lists for myself to accomplish some of my goals and maybe one or two things on that list gets done. Currently, some of those things on that list need some real attention and I keep getting scary signs that I cannot ignore anymore. I am not happy with the way I am living my life or my health. The fence that I am on is getting to be a real bitch to balance anymore. It is a false sense of balance. I do not reccomend this for anyone to live by. But in order for me to change and get off the fence I have to start with one step at a time.
It's gonna be slow but I will do it. First lets tackle my health. I woke up and sat down infront of my computer and I saw this thing I left as a reminder for myself to do. It is a reminder from my health insurance to have a mammogram done. I am 41 and have not had this done yet. I know how wrong this is but I am scared. I hear other women say how painful it is and I freeze.
The thing that changed my mind today is a coversation I had with one of my customers this weekend. She is a cancer survivor and her cancer was found early from her mammogram. She told me..."I put mine off too even though I knew cancer was in my family, I wised up just in enough time to have a new life that I am thankful for every day. " Life is definately more important than being scared. So I made my appointment today for next week.
(the earliest appointment I could get) This is one step closer of feeling proud of me today. The next step. Why am I blowing off things like this that are so important to my life. I do know the answer to this one. DEPRESSION! PRESSURE! STRESS! I need to dig deep inside me and pull out what is stopping me from moving forward with my life.
For example not getting my resume done. Oh I typed one a million times but I destroy them. I see myself on paper and automatically put myself down. 'Whos gonna hire me. Too many holes in my employment. ' I have asked for help from some family and friends with my resume but they can only help so much. I am the one who has to do it not them. I cry alot more than I admit to anyone. I hide alot of feelings. Only a few people in my life know how I really feel. Only one of them lives close to me. My personal life with relationships is horrible for me right now. I really cannot talk about it on here. So the step I made towards this today is I called a psychological center today to find a good therapist.
I am waiting for a phone call back to make an appointment. I need to be fixed. I need help. I give up! This is too much for me to handle alone. Third step. Temporary things help me cope like purging. I have been cleaning out this house throwing so many things out that should have been thrown out a long time ago.
I have a rule if it hasn't been useful, played with, doesn't fit, is broken,or is ugly it goes out the door. I find we accumulate alot of junk. I have to give some credit to some of those TV shows that are cleaning out houses. They have inspired me to clean out and get organized. It feels good to actually find a room that you can enjoy when all the junk has been thrown out. Very cathartic! So today I would say is a three step proud day for me. 
