  Oh spectacular failure. If nothing else I hope I can be that. It will mean I kept trying until life crushed me under its heel. I met a young man on the plane home today. A fellow Christian named Brad. He is finishing his training at Ft. Knox KY, then off to TX and then off to Iraq.
We had a long talk about providence and God. He is going to be a calvary scout (kinda a pointer for the tanks) it's a dangerous job. We spoke of fear at war and such. I said fear is normal, that it is those time we must turn our lives over to God for protection. I feel like a hypocrite. I am so mad with God right now.
But frankly, I am like Neo in the Matrix. That scene where he is given the opportunity to get out of the car and Trinity tells him that he's been down that road and he knows where it goes (nowhere) and I always cry when I watch that part. That's how I feel. I have no where to go but forward. No matter how much I may try to back paddle, I have to go forward. I am such a screw up.
All the tests God gave me over the last 2 weeks I have failed. I know, get up and keep going. But frankly, I am growing weary of this journey. But I have no where else to go but forward. I fear for my future if I do not turn it over to God. Funny.
Everytime I get on a plane, I place hand on the outside and ask God's protection. Today, they had to make us wait a half hour while they fixed something with our emergency slide. I don't know if that could have blown open in flight or something, but it made me glad that I pray every flight for the plane and the crew that takes care of us. Talking to Brad, there was a little part of me that wonders and wishes that I would have pursued an Air Force Career. I admire our troops. I wish I were young enough and fit enough to be there too.
Or maybe having your life threatened is a good way to keep your mind of the crap that needs to be dealt with. I can't make up my mind. One minute I want to come back to KY and then I am here and I wish I were in SD. I guess the grass is always greener where the dogs a Sh#ting (to quote Soundgarden). I just feel so lost right now. But I am trusting that it is in this place of helplessness that God is going to outshine me.
I am just rambling now. So I guess I will stop. Thanks for reading. A 40 to my homeys who are no longer with us Peace 
