  Hello my friends. Thank you for stopping by my blog today. As some of you may have read, I have had quite the traveling season. But it's good to be back in Kentucky. I have discovered that I need my routine, while I may get bored quickly with it, I need it. I finally got back to the gym.
Yesterday I had my monthly session with my trainer Whitney. She's a 24-year-old ex-cop from Atlanta. She really kicks my...well you get the picture. I chose her because she reminds me of me when I used to train people, and frankly, I need that right now. If I have someone depending on me (Debi--she has devoted an entire blogsite to our workouts together called No Pain, No Charge...I'll have to get back to you all with the link if you are interested) I need someone holding me accountable and pulling me up to the next level so I can help Debi do the same. I don't see having a trainer as a luxury expense, I see it as my only form of affordable health insurance.
No insurance company will touch me because I have bi-polar disorder. (Unless I get a "real job" with benefits) So, I have to maintain my own health and do everything I can to stay that way. That is how I view working out. It's the only thing I can control in my otherwise, seemingly, out of control life right now. I hate having bi-polar disorder. But at least it helps me to understand my highs and lows and not beat myself up for having the lows.
Having an explanation doesn't change things, but it helps me to tolerate it a little better. But like I told my friend MJ when discussing pain and grief, understanding the damage of a gunshot wound doesn't take away the pain it causes. It only helps you to know why you hurt. Thank God that He has gifted me with written word so I can express myself in these times. I don't always turn to it like I could, sometimes I do stupid things in my pain. But we all do.
So, I am going to share one of my latest poems. It sounds a bit like the Rachel of old some of you may remember, but nothing could be further from the truth. Frankly, it's me and God finally dealing with unfinished business from long ago. And I am thankful to be able to express these things to Him. Yes, it's about pain, but that is the season I have been going in and out of lately. Untitled (13 Oct 03) by Rachel Kochackis I can run Until acid runs through my veins I can scream Until my voice doesn't sound the same I can bleed Like the sky crying out with rain But my outside Will never match my inner pain GOD Now can you see me?
Will these wounds Make You come to my aid? If I bang on my skull a little harder Will it awaken You Who dwells within? I am spiritually anemic I can see all my gashes within Bleeding my faith dry Yet I have no one to cling to But You Now pain is what reminds me I'm living Warm, burning, throbbing reality And I long to know Your peace again Then sleep the sleep of the sane --end-- OK, don't freak. I'm not going to go jump off a bridge. Just coming to terms with the "inner demons" that should have been dealt with years ago. God, in His wisdom, knew that this was the season for such a thing--and no sooner.
Here I have a lot of support and people to help me sort this out. And for that I am grateful. But between you, me, my PC and anyone in the WWW public who has stumbled upon this blog, I'd rather not do this at all. But such is the path that has been determined for me. Wow. I haven't had this much to say in a long time.
I hope I didn't bore you. And I hope you keep coming back to my blog and that you get something for yourself to take from it. (except making millions off my poems... :oP ) May you find your way today. Peace. 
