  (WARNING--The following blog entry may give some of you the concern that I am deeply depressed and teetering on the edge. I am not. As Alanis Moresette said in her song, "I am aware now. ") A letter about the precious. I invested far too much time, energy, and money-seeking, finding and buying time with my precious. I did things I dont like to do, just to be with you.
My precious. I threw myself so in the role to seduce the keepers of the precious, that I drunk myself into a stupor, I was like them now. Why? It is as if, just to know I am in possession of you, I feel physically, emotionally, and spiritually relieved. I spent time with people, like it was nothing today. Total strangers that I invested, no, risked, things of great value with.
People who I knew the eternity of hours. I know now my addiction, my precious. It is you. And I only see you clearly when you are with me, not away. You have become my ultimate experience. You give me a perception that I view life better, more focused, and everything is more enjoyable with you.
I exist because I am with you. I feel more alive because I believe I can truly feel again when I am with you. It is as if I were reborn each time we are together. And my exposure to you is corrupting me, more and more. Like radiation, sickening my spirit. And I have no control.
You are like suicide with antifreeze. It tastes so sweet, but it is so deadly. I am living a custom in Thailand. See, Thailand means freedom. And they have a custom that is considered merciful and meritorious to buy and release caged birds. I am like that bird.
Captured, bought at a price, released and then snared again to be bought and released again at another time. I am living the illusion of freedom. I see it now. I see it all clearly. But it took another touch. Just a taste of you, the precious.
And I cant seem to let you go. It is as though I want to consume you, what you are, and make it forever a part of me. And I am frantic and anxious if you are no where around. I want to know I can reach out and feel you at a moments notice. You feed my desire for instant gratification. And I cannot continue life with you, not without a great price to go and find you again.
It has cost me dearly. But I can finally see. Is there anything left of my soul to save? Only God's grace can tell. 
