  Only because I was sick. And am sick. And will be sick, perhaps, for a while longer. It came on quickly last night. D went to a Halloween party and I stayed home and slept. And got sick... and by the way...
I'm not going to say more about this... but I HATE being sick. Anyway... after the incident, I felt much better and now I'm experiencing something like an annoying sore throat and stuffy nose. D and I made costumes for last night by pinning dozens of fabric remnants to our clothes. We planned to take Bibles and go as material witnesses . Get it? Material... well, we thought it was cute, if not totally funny.
We nixed plans to go as snipers - too close to recent events; weapons of mass destruction - too involved, given the time we had for prep; and the axis of evil - somewhat old and no third person to join us. I've been thinking about a sentence I came across in a book I was reading yesterday. In commenting on his more straitlaced days, a man says, "I was too old when I was younger. " I was always Mr. Goody Goody... the kid who never got in trouble for anything... the kid who never took any risks... the kid who never spoke up. I'm still some of things in some measures... we rarely make a complete personality turnaround. But I have a lot more fun these days.
And I'm not afraid to speak up about things anymore. My boyfriend has helped bring out this new side of my personality... one of several ways in which this particular relationship has molded me. While I'm rambling on about a number of things, a note about rage . I was writing the other day about being frustrated and feeling something is wrong. On this general theme of frustration and such, my friend Matt wrote to say that he's feeling the same kind of thing... except it's more of a rage. He's angry at how work interferes with his personal life.
I have that problem, too... work that never seems to end. Most of the time, I try to take over and just end the work because I want time to myself or with my boyfriend. But it's hard to do because, like many people I know, I have one of those jobs where the work could go on forever. It's not like a factory job where, once the car is finished, it's finished. I study books and articles so I can ask people questions about them. There's no one to say alright your studying is done .
You can always study more. I guess what I need is someone to tell me I'm finished. This situation upsets me, although it's less of a feeling of rage and more a feeling of sadness. Not that I don't ever experience anger. It's rare for me... and even more rare for me to express anger. But I do feel it... and I'm never exactly sure what to do about it.
For instance, I feel a lot of anger toward my boyfriend. I could argue that it's not hard to have these feelings... given all we've gone though over the past year. I'm not talking about the kind of anger where one never wants to speak to someone again. I've never felt that. But I guess I feel this anger toward D as a kind of balance along with the obviously very strong emotional attraction I have to him. I think if that kind of stuff were left unprocessed... it would lead to a pretty f*cked up relationship.
But I've considered this anger and weighed it carefully. It was at the forefront of my mind as I urged him to move to Chicago a couple months ago. I thought about often as he and I talked over the ensuing weeks. He would write to say he missed me and I would say that I missed him, too, and I would also think of that anger. And when we talked about him moving back and us getting back together... I thought about that anger for a long time.
But in the end, I decided I wanted him. I wanted him and needed him... and the anger is now intertwined with the intense love and closeness I feel to him. I continue to process it and the ultimate goal is to purge it, I think. But that takes time... and while I wish feelings of anger died as quickly as love seems to spring to life, that's one of the things that makes life interesting. 
