  When I hugged him and said good bye last night, he said "See you in a year. " And he's right. It was a year almost to the day since he was last in Ann Arbor. My friend Michael is one of those people who passes through my life ever so briefly when schedules and flights and itineraries allow. But when it happens, it soothes the soul in that way that you'd think only friendships that had lasted much longer could do. Michael and I met online two or three years ago or thereabouts. My memory is vague, but I think it was because of this webpage.
Whatever the case, we began an irregular email correspondance that has blossomed to include a couple of visits... one last May and one this May. He lives in San Francisco, on the rare days when he's not travelling. His partner of 7 years lives in Connecticut... which explains some of the travelling. He's the managing partner of a consulting firm and has made a brilliant success of his life. And so as we talk about careers, boys, trying to make a relationship work, raising a young son with 2 dads, cruisey gyms... in the back of my mind, I wonder if this is the turn my life will take.
Seven years from now, will I be sitting outdoors at a restaurant in DC, New York or Toronto talking to Michael or some other friend and reflecting on a life that has grown to include a boyfriend, a higher-level in my career, a new feeling of success, and a sense of inner peace? I don't feel a lot of inner peace these days. But that's not a bad thing. I think if we always had that kind of peace, we would never get anything done. We'd lay around eating ice cream sandwiches and watching Food Network. More than we do now. A kind of inner turmoil is what drives us to question ourselves, remake our lives, careers, loves, goals.
I've had peaceful times, too... yeah sure it's a great feeling to get in between the covers at night and put your arms around your boyfriend and hold him close... or to be in one of those career moments where it feels like you're on a mag-lev train-- rushing forward at high speed, frictionless, floating a millimeter above the ground. But those don't last forever. I don't like turmoil anymore than anyone else but I do understand it's purpose. It makes me better. ___________________________ I've wandered off down the lane with that inner peace thing... but I intend to get to San Francisco this fall and make sure it's not a year before I see Michael again.
I've just discovered, courtesy of NPR, that Angola has a Minister of Reinsertion. Moving along... A quiz: I have no clothes... a) on right now; b) that are bright green c) for summer. B and C are correct. C is on my mind now. I'm a walking Clothes Disaster Area. Well, I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I'll give my wardrobe a D for... effort (lack of). The problem is that I don't care enough. I mean, I'm a gay man. I do care. I have the money to buy cool clothes. But I don't have the eye or the confidence. And that's the problem. I'm a master at the careful integration of blue jeans and t-shirts, particularly if the shirts are blue or green.
Red is a challenge, but I'm working on that. Khakis and blue or green t-shirts? Easy. Blue cargo shorts? Yes... a no-brainer. Anything beyond this requires a great deal of thought, concern, consultations with friends... meditation, oracles. I don't know. I suppose I should have confidence to chart my own course and not worry about it. But the thing is, when I do get it right I love it. I bought this hot, tight club wear kind of shirt in Toronto a few weeks ago and it looks good.
It's tight in all the right places and when I put it on I think, "Wow, I have pecs and biceps. " Number of times I've worn it since I bought it: twice. Location: in front of my mirror. You see, I know I can wear the top but I'm not sure what I can wear it with.
Pathetic. This is going to be a good Thursday... biceps and triceps at the gym... a reasonable workload... some cleanup work on an outside project... and a visit to see my friend Chris. Oh... and say hello to urlLink tyger-tyger ... who has the misfortune of being the latest addition to my weblog list. Here's a story that will make you sick to your stomach. The Financial Times reports that the Bush administration has shelved urlLink a report from the Treasury Department showing the US faces a future of chronic deficits... totaling 44 trillion dollars . Enjoy your tax cut. If you got one. 
