  well i moved into the back room today. and after I got in here my grandmother got pissed off and wants me to move back into the middle room.  the hell I live in is a very complicated one.  You see everything revolves around her and how she percieves things.  I can answer a simple question with a yes or no and that would be enough to set her off in a snit.  Now mind you I am a prick bastard.
I know this. so when I am not in the mood to deal with any shit I make myself scarce and when I do have to speak it is simple and to the point. but it is rooted in the fact that I cannot escape doing something wrong even when I do nothing at all.  Lately she hasn't been feeling well.  You see she had colon cancer something like 5 years ago. had a huge tumor removed.
and it was very serious. any longer of a wait and she would have most likely died because of it.  However the cancer could have been diagnosed a lot earlier if she would have gone to the doctor.  She had been having gut pain for something like a year and a half. then she went.  So hearing she had cancer in the first place really didn't shock me.
really it didn't shock anyone. we were worried. but not shocked.  Cancer is more or less the flu. it strikes a lot of people and kills a lot of people. but if properly treated with the right medicine it doesn't have to kill you.
but to cancer " victims"  ( not to belitle anyone who has or who has had cancer. but they all think it is the worst thing you can get)  it is some sort of horrific happening.
 My mom told me today that it is maybe the fear that they will linger and suffer with pain. well my answer back is they have wonderful pain meds. and if that doesn't work. a bottle of drano or a gun will ( suicide is never the solution. but stop being such babies about dieing and face it with dignity)
 Back to the story. so you see for the past five years she has been this " victim"  or " survivor" every conversation she has with someone who may not know (
which there are few that don't by now)  goes something like this. well I had cancer. it was nearly N- Stage. I still have pain but I manage.
and I watch my cancer markers. plus I have a restricted diet" now she says it out of the need for someone to be shocked that she had something happen to her. she has to be a victim of something or other and has to have people in a tizzy over her whatever it may be.  Most people simply go " sorry.
glad your better"  ( while biting their tongue) but some indulge her and because some people still indulge her it feeds this vicous cycle of telling more people.  A friend of the family had cancer. I didn't know it.
because she didn't tell anyone.  Because she craves such attention all the time there is only so much you can handle. even mother teresa would tell her to blow it out her ass.  So I don't indulge it. that makes her mad.  Now she went in for her monthly blood test and her markers were up.
and yes they are at the " you should be concerned"  level. so the doctor ordered a PET Scan ( Positron Emitions Topography Scan. or something like that.
they inject you with a radioactive dye and give you a full body CAT scan. close enough description)  well they had originally scheduled it at this one place but the earliest they could get her in would be towards the end of the month.  Then she heard about another place that could do it and they would be able to take her earlier ( last Friday) well for almost a week and a half all I heard about was this bloody test and how the two different places have two different types of prep (
I told her it may be one place has a better Technician who will read the scan and may need less prep or one machine is newer than the other. but not to worry) well it turned out she went to a newer machine so the prep was less.  Now for the past few years she has had pain in her stomach and that is what she was worried about. but then she develops a pain in her shoulder. all this weekend she has been laying down and complaining about being in pain.
which ok I am a pussy about certain pains ( when my body doesn't want to work right and gives me hell. I lay around too. but at least I don't make noises for attention as she does. how do I know its for attention because she doesn't make them when other aren't in the room. I have sat in the next room and listened for them)
well she got the results of her test today ( tuesday)  and they found some sort of mass in her shoulder. now they have to do a CAT scan on that area to pinpoint what it is. so as a result she has been a real pain for the past few hours. very "
look at me the sickly old woman I need to have all attention payed to me"  role. now I have run out of patience. the only thing I am going on is the fact that I live here rent free. and really don't have to pay bills and she helps me a lot ( and I mean a lot)
 My whole bitch is this. for those who know me they kinda know what it is. for those who don't. I have Cystic Fibrosis.  It is a genetic disease and it can get quit nasty and will eventually kill me.  Now I have no problems with this.
I have resigned myself to the idea. I am so comfortable with the idea that I invite it and embrace it ( I am a little dark at this point in my life) while most of the people around me seem to have a problem with accepting it. especially my family ( the want to try and make me think I am normal now after having kinda pounded into me for years that I wasn't)
 Now maybe it is me. but I know I am going to die. and have a pretty good clue of how it will happen baring any accident or mishap.  Being fairly young I should be pissed that I will not live long. but I am not. so why are so many old people or those who are "
victims"  of disease afraid to die?  By " victims"  I mean people getting cancer or coming down with menengitis or a myriad of other ailments that kill human animals.  Death is yet another stage of life.
 For old people especially. why are they afraid?  They have had a run ( most good. some bad)  so they have lived their lives.
 Just accept the fact you will die and nothing can be done with it.  I can see giving a heart to a younger person or replacing a kidney in a 20 yr old. but in some 60 plus person. that is rediculous.  A man who is 73 in the middle of renal failure and congestive heart failure ( which my grandpa is dealing with.
a whole other story)  is hoping someone will give him a kidney. fuck that. I would give one to my sister. or Billy down the street if we were a match. but not to my grandpa or any older person who has lived their life.
 Now I don't go around anouncing " hi I'm Mike. I have CF. it will kill me"  that is information that people really don't need to know. if they want to know and have found out and ask me.
then yeah I will share. but my disease isn't me. I'm not my disease.  I want science to advance and cure diseases. I want them to use Stem Cells and do some cloning. because I know it will help future generations.
 But.  People when your time is up. don't struggle or fight. just go on and die. it will be better anyway.  Well my rant is over.
not very cohesive. but maybe you get the idea.  oh yeah my car is in the shop. fucking fuel pump 
