  I am just trying not to get to depressed right now The reason is because I am pretty ill and I have to take care of someone else. The doc didn't want me to come in. I see his reasoning...there is nothing he can really do that I can't already do here at home. That doesn't comfort me in any way. I just want to be healthy...but I am not afforded that luxury The one thing that really sux ass is that in addition to the coughing up blood thing...I am in pain. My left leg has kinda gone numb...which sux...my lower back on the left side hurts like a bitch...my headaches are more intense and frequent...and my chest feels like it has been hit repeatedly by a baseball bat which makes coughing the shit out of my lungs a tad difficult.
Unfortunately the doctor won't prescribe anything for pain...which also sux ass. However if I had something to take the edge off I would be even lazier than now...cause I would just want to sit and enjoy the good numbness that pain meds would bring. Maybe soon they will give me something that will let me get back to something that remotely resembles life...but until then I will soldier it out like I always have...with a grin and a "I'm fine" to the family...knowing that in the end the pain will stop and all will be well.
I wish I were an optimist...because if I were it would mean that I live in a world of denial and stupidity...stupid people are happy...smart people are forced to live in reality and suffer for having to deal with the stupid people and their happiness 
