  Found this on MSN.com... thought it was something worth sharing: We all want to be in fun and healthy relationships, so we strive to find partners to share our lives with. Yet some of us try too hard, creating an environment that actually keeps us from getting what we want. Why? Wanting is attractive, needing is not. Phil Holcomb, a Seattle-based personal coach and owner of Extraordinary Learning says the means to a successful end lies in overcoming your attachments to results without giving up on your goals and dreams. The difference between wanting and needing often comes up when we try too hard. We all need to put in effort to get what we want, but trying too hard makes us appear needy.
We try too hard, Holcomb says, because we're unwilling "to do the work necessary to 'fill our own cup' and operate under the illusion (false belief) that if we just find the right partner we will be okay with ourselves. That's taking the victim position that Mr./Ms. Right will 'make' me feel happy, full, content, satisfied. " The problem with that is twofold: If your relationship with yourself is incomplete, you'll tend to attract people with same incompleteness. "Ugh. The person I really want is someone who is living a full, relatively satisfying life and has a strong, healthy relationship with herself/himself," Holcomb says. "That person is not looking for me or other people who are 'running on empty. '" Focusing on finding what you need in another person perpetuates the myth that how you feel about yourself and your life is about something "out there. " And because of that orientation, you spend resources  time, money and energy  on a losing proposition. "Keeping your focus on strengthening your relationship with yourself sometimes does not pay the immediate rewards of being infatuated. However, in the long run, when you're on your game, you attract keepers. " Shifting away from neediness requires a steadfast focus on living your life to the fullest  as a single person Holcomb suggests thinking about the people to whom you are most attracted. "They don't spend their time 'fishing in the relationship pond'. They are busy being active and productive in pursing the experiences that result in them feeling good about themselves  independent of a lot of external validation.
" "They are 'winning' in the sense that they are certain they are in the process of creating what is important to them," Holcomb continues. "Although they may want partners for the value of sharing their lives with someone special and finding deeper intimacy, they do not think they have to have one to be 'okay', 'whole' or 'complete. ' Why? Because they already experience themselves that way. " How, then, can you go from needy to non-striving?
"As Yoda said to Luke Skywalker, 'No trying. Do or don't do,'" Holcomb advises. "Get very clear about what you want in a partner  so specific as to seem improbable. Include values, interests, appearance, education, history, geography, etc. Hold the intention of attracting people of this ilk. Then focus on doing what is necessary to create and maintain a healthy relationship with yourself. People who are right with themselves are exceedingly attractive. Other people want to be around them.
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