  i cannot prove that i exist It's true, I can't. One of my worst traits as a human being is that I proscrastinate. A lot. I'm also pretty lazy. As a result, I have no valid identification. I often let my various forms of ID lapse and don't bother to renew them until it's too late. Is it difficult to function in society like this? You bet it is. For the record, this is what I currently have for identification: An out-of-state (Virginia) drivers license that expired in March 1999. A passport that expired in February 2001. A military dependent ID card that expired in March 1999. A photo ID from my place of employment that doesn't really get me anywhere but my office. And that's about it. In March 1999, just before my Virginia license expired, I went to the Boston DMV to get a new Massachusetts license.
I waited patiently in the never-ending line, filled out the necessary forms, even smiled for the camera as they were seconds away from taking my photo when the clerk noticed a red flag. Only two words were necessary for them to utter before I realized the hold-up: North Carolina. You see, it's not just my procrastination that's to blame for my lack of identity. The state of North Carolina should shoulder some responsibility for this as well. In the fall of 1994, when I was living in Virginia Beach, my (now ex-) wife and I took a leisurely drive through parts of North Carolina. Maybe it was the feel of that 1994 Hyundai under my control, or perhaps a particularly bracing mix tape in the deck, but the next thing you know there's flashing lights over my shoulder, then a no-nonsense state trooper in the driver's side window is informing me that I was doing 86 in a 55. 86, for the record, is considered reckless driving. After a particularly ridiculous court appearance the following month (in a courthouse that makes "Deliverance" look like a Woody Allen movie), I was fined $100 and not allowed to drive in North Carolina for one year. Fine. Fast-forward back to 1999, Keep in mind, this is a good three-and-a-half years after my driving privileges have been reinstated (in a state nowhere near Massachusetts).
But for some reason, the Massachusetts DMV wants proof that I can still drive down there. They won't budge on my new license until this mystery is solved. So I get in touch with the folks in North Carolina, they send me the appropriate paperwork, but by this time I'm getting ready to move into a new apartment, there's lots of new job issues, etc etc etc, long story short: procrastination sets in once again. I attempted to get a license again about a year ago. By this time I've let it lapse to the point where I have to take a written exam. I studied like crazy for this thing and finally schlep all the way out to the only DMV office open on weekends that's within access of public transportation (in Watertown). I have my study guide and all the appropriate proof of identification, but by the time I get through the line, I'm informed by the extremely rude and unhelpful clerk that I do not in fact have the correct forms. All the cliches you hear about rude DMV employees are 100 percent accurate, folks. I was practically looking around for Patty and Selma from the Simpsons to creep out of the woodwork.
You see, that's the problem. Yes, I'm a procrastinator. Yes, my dependence on public transportation (irony, anyone? ) makes getting this damn thing such a hassle. But every time I manage to make it to the DMV, one more thing goes wrong and my efforts are shattered. This time, I'm going to make it easier. I'm just getting a Massachusetts ID (no license). I'm not going to be driving anytime soon and the standard ID is much easier to obtain (no test, less paperwork, considerably cheaper).
All I have to do now is find my social security card (I think it's still around here somewhere) and get the ball rolling once again. Although I have to admit it's kind of interesting not having any valid identification. It's like I'm the center of some twisted psychological thriller. "This is Chris Ingalls. He has no identity.
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