  eight simple rules for riding the T 1) Don't bring hot food (burgers, fries, Chinese, etc) on the train. It stinks up the place a lot more than usual. The T ends up smelling like the Corner Mall -- not a good thing. 2) Don't bring a hot beverage on the train during rush hour. I realize that you need your caffeine fix, but nobody is coordinated enough to handle that. Plus, there's always the chance you'll spill it, enraging an already cranky bunch of commuters. Get your coffee at work. 3) If you know that you're going to be on a crowded train, do us all a favor and slap on some anti-perspirant before you leave the house.
If you think hot french fries are a stifling odor on the T, try an unwashed, sweaty, overweight passenger. Like my friend Jamie said when he visited me in Naples: "blue cheese is not a deodorant. " 4) Let the people out before you get in. It's just like an elevator. Why do so many people find this confusing? 5) Don't spread out across two seats when the train is crowded. I don't care how long your legs are -- it's just plain rude. The same goes for those jerk-offs who put their bag on a separate seat. That's what your lap is for, you ingrate. 6) Don't stand in front of the entrance when other people are getting on or off the train.
That little alcove isn't your own personal space, it serves a function: to funnel people on and off. Common sense, people. 7) You know what I hate? People who stand in front of an empty seat. What the hell is that all about? I realize that your manly stamina allows you to stand while lesser men choose to sit, but if there's a seat available, someone out there wants it, and you're blocking it.
I'm not impressed, Abs of Steel. Move out of the way. 8) This one is for the conductors. I've got plenty of beefs with you people, but here's a glaring problem I encounter all the time, particularly on the Green Line: TURN DOWN THE DAMN SPEAKERS!! I realize that Copley is the next stop, I don't need to hear it at decibel levels that would overpower a Who concert. "BING! BONG! NEXT STOP COPLEY! THIS IS A 'D' RIVERSIDE TRAIN!! " I get the idea! Dial it down a bit. What, did the MBTA get a special bargain rate on the "Earsplitter" model? Jeez...isn't it enough that you're raising the damn fares in January? 
