  a lot of people have been asking about the nature of my book. well, not a lot of people- mostly just janice. but i will pretend that she is a crowd of about 24 and now address said crowd, wearing my favorite turtleneck and clutching a martini. "my book. thanks for asking. let me tell what you my book is about. " short pause, sip of martini, quick pat on my head to make sure i still have hair. "my book. it has yet to be written because right now i'm working on my short stories. the short story that is demanding my attention now is a compellingly compelling tale of desperation, loneliness, kid-napping, diseases that affect the lymph nodes, and consumers that wish to consume more. all this takes place on the high seas. " another short pause. "no, yes, you're right, it doesn't take place on the high seas, but imagine the pirate-speak if it did!
argh, me mateys. "my book, the one that is only in my head and continues to remain tangible only in the forms of single sentences saved on multiple floppy disks, smudged paragraphs scribbled out on cocktail napkins, and tiny doodles drawn in lipstick on the corner of my mirror (note to self, do not clean mirror). this is a tale of two girls that both remind me a little of my former self and of a good friend of mine whose name i choose not to reveal. okay, it's carole. another character is a boy who does not actually exist, except in memories that have been artificially created. the girls find different ways to embrace and reject each other's friendship, and a theme that runs throughout my story is one of "how to keep the world at an arm's length away" and another of "everyone will treat you the way you treat yourself.
" so you'd better damn like yourself. anyhow, i'd tell you more about the great plot devices i am going to employ, but i've already given away too much, so let me also warn would-be idea-stealers that i've already gone back in time to copyright this to myself, circa 1984. so fuck off. " long gulp of martini. "i would also like to mention that i am a performance artist. mainly, when i'm not working on my many literary masterpieces (or thinking of working on them), i impersonate trees, shrubs, ferns- anything botanical. i do this while banging my head against a drum. everybody likes drumbeats, no?
" 
