  even things that are clearly not your fault are clearly your fault, through a chain of cause and effect so complex that it puts the heterotrimeric g protein to shame. how is it all your fault? baby, you were born. this whole bloody, vomit-like, smells-like-sweet-and-sour-chicken-and-old-cheese mess could have been fully avoided if only you'd have come to earth as a dust bunny or a plank of wood. don't bother saying that you're sorry; everything about you already does, from your circular posture to your ridiculous hair to the trail of toilet paper attached to your slipper.
you are to blame. you were always to blame, and no matter what you do, or where you go, you will be the one that causes all the problems. i found that in a fortune cookie. 
