  Holidays... I was at ma grammas today and saw the family. it was fun. i like being able to see everyone together at the same time for the holidays. its one of the less depressing aspects. one of the more depressing views is realizing how little u mean in the world.
lets play a little game. i call it who matters more. k, we'll start with the ppl who are pretty much my best friends. cory and lisa matter more to each other than either to me, so chalk two up for the other side. then theres the guy that i had my heart set on for the longest time and whose now getting married at the ripe old age of 18...who matters more now? obviously not me. prolly never was me to begin with. laura clayton doesnt talk to me anymore, same with nicole and judy and malorie and megan and pretty much all of my old friends, so i guess i dont matter much to them either.
come to think of it, it even goes as far as jack. who matters more, me or laura? hmm, lets see, uhh...laura! wow, was that ever hard. my mom cares more about her misery and self pittying denial of happiness and acceptance of depression than she does about me, and even im a traitor. i care more about the fact that no one cares about me than i do about caring about myself. not that that makes any sence whatsoever to anyone but myself.
it feels like im never going to find someone for me. anyone i meet online will be either too far away, a rapist, or a backstabbing cheater whose name still makes my heart wrench because of all the promises he made me. whatever happened to coming and visiting me in the summer jon? hmm? and leaving me something really close to u to proove to me that u were comming back? oh wait, i guess i kno the answer to that dont i. brittany happened. u even told me that u wished u had ur virginity back because u wanted it to be with the quote "right person"....do u have any idea how much that hurts? how it tears me up inside? of course not. but then it doesnt matter because im just some kid that lives across the country that actually fell for u and u had fun leading on for a while till u got tired of it.
and its funny coz it doesnt even matter if it matters or not because ull never read this anywayz. unless of course i gave u the url, which im not planning on dewing. i havent cried, not for u. and i wont. it just doesnt seem like im ever going to get a chance at like anything. 
