  We had a problem with our phone that went something like this: PHONE: bbrrrrrrrrrrrrt-b-bbrbrrrt-br-rrrp- *wheeze* ME: *lifts receiver* Hello? PHONE: *eerie silence* ME: *replaces phone* Hm. PHONE: bbrrrrrrrrt-br-b-brrrrrrrrrrrrr-*splutter* ME: WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!
After a couple of hours I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, so the boy phoned the Amazing BT Automated Phonechecking Robot. It really was! Amazing, I mean. The robot finds out what is wrong with your phone through the miracle of fibre optics, then schedules a BT man to come to your house at the crack of dawn the next working day. THEN it diverts your landline to your mobile with no extra charge to you or your callers. It's an innovation in artificial intelligence!
Part of a new hyperrace of beings! Switch to BT now before their dark army of Automated Phonecheckers take over the planet! Right, I think that's enough BT pimping for now. Suffice to say I think you should all stick your phones in buckets of Tizer and call the 'Bot forthwith. * Now I have to go and write a lesson plan on How to Draw a Portrait. Thrill! Take care. *Unless you're not with BT - that would be crazy. 
