  I do not need this crap right now.  let me make a list of my faults.  maybe someone else willl see where i'm screwed up.  heaven knows i cant see it.  bitchy bossy pushy low self esteem annoying jealus cold hearted uncaring annoying voice geeky nerdy talks too much reads too much not popular not experianced too smart too flirt flirts badly bad teeth,  bad taste in clothes bad singer obsessive selfsatisfied artist half ass poet lame writer not 100%
 religiously convicted.  3rd wheel dont fit in wont fit in unskilled not a fantastic student not an athlete glasses frizzy hair red hair small chest anorexically skinny freckles not pretty no money not good enough,  expendable useless As if i don't have enough trouble,  and enough problems. lets add monday night and it's problems. what the hell?
 Someday's swallowing a bottle of pills or something stupid like that sounds wonderful. but i dont really want to die,  and i know it. i just want to be someone else,  in a different life,  a different world.
 Isnt it enough for the world,  that i try to be there for my friends?  That i listen to their probolems and crap?  And then ,  in return,  i have almost noone to turn to when i need a shoulder.
 or at least that understand what i'm going through.  loyalty. thats what i need. I mean,  i know i said everything was okay. and i really dont blame her at all.
 she cant help who she loves. an i underastand that she never meant to hurt me. even though she managed too.  no,  i hurt myself.  if i didnt always fall for guys like this,
 ,  i never get bloody hurt.  or hurt someone else.  i dont blame you 2. i just want to know why i'm not good enough!  why i dont have someone who's mine alone.
 I know i was calm as ice the other day,  when i found out. maybe it was shock. maybe it was denial.  i dont know. i mean,
 i sat,  and i thought about it.  i really thought about it. How the hell does something like that just happen?  Seriously,  and i'm still not pissed,
 i'm not even mad. just dissapointed. and hurt. maybe afterwards you 2 felt guilty about it. and sorry,  but at the time.
admit it,  i was the thing farthest from your thoughts.  And i'm sorry to do this,  because it's going to hurt,  but i need some time to calm down,  and figure things out.
Until i know where i stand. We're over.  I know i should say thisin person,  but i know if i do,  i wont be able to focus,  or go through with it.
 and i need to.  So maybe this makes me a weak,  cruel,  coldhearted bitch. i already know i am,  tell me something new.
 Maybe " just friends"  is a bit hard. but right now i need a friend more than a commitment.  ~ Cat 
