  hi!  i was suppose to write you a letter and send it to you there but i read your blog the other day and you've transferred na pala.  anyways,  i really wanted it written coz email seems impersonal ( just for this particular one)  i really don't know where to begin.
 the past few months,  i admit that i really felt sad.  we've lost touch.  i don't know if its just me but i really felt that you've been avoiding me. almost all of the time,  im the one who would initiate the first move to email you.
maybe you have your reasons like you're just too busy adjusting to your new life there and looking for a job and preparing coz you'll be moving out to your new home.  so i tried to understand you.  i really don't want to make you think that im pushing myself too much on you. that i could be this " bitch"  bugging you all the time and being nosy as well.
 i gave you space. i continued reading your blogs and honestly you got me worried when you mentioned that you're not doing " good"  in this adjustment phase. you seem to have doubts, apprehensions,
regrets ( maybe)  and other " mixed"  emotions about this transition that you're in right now.  and as your friend,
 i do empathize with you coz i have been in this stage also just recently. i was just ahead of you for a couple of months. but in those months that i was out of work, no income, far from home. i felt like giving up.
i did feel down most of the time and also depressed. maybe im just good in hiding and dealing with it. you never knew about it nor did my closest friends and my family. instead of sulking and surrendering,  i fought back. you ask where i got my strength?
 1) my family and friends who believe in me 2) my drive to reach my ambition 3) you.  those days when i was just in my aunt's apartment& nbsp;
still waiting for news of our canada trip and at the same time trying to find a job here in manila. i was really& nbsp; so confused and very lost& nbsp; and i felt like my life IS going down.
i hurriedly resigned from my job of 5 yrs and i left my home ( family and friends)  with such a short notice. im in the starting line again. starting from scratch. new environment away from home.
i was so used to my life back home that what i did ( of leaving it all)  was such a big leap. and when i was faced with the reality that our trip will not push through after all. i somehow panicked. what will i do?
there is no job waiting for me back home. i have to find one soon. there were bills to pay and i have to& nbsp; contribute with my aunt's apartment also.  but all these time.
you never heard me& nbsp; talking about this. or me complaining or worrying or whatever. honestly, everytime we talked during those times i felt very happy and relieved.
you were like my refuge. talking to you made me forget about the " storm"  i was going through.  when i would have problems, i would try my best to solve it on my own.
i& nbsp; never share my worries with other people ( especially my family)  coz i don't want other people to worry about me. i tell myself that i can handle it.
coz i really believe that God would never give us any problems we cant solve. all the answers are there. we just have to look for it and along the way we should be sensitive and patient in searching for the answers.  with all these things im sharing with you right now. you ask:  where is these all&
nbsp; going?  ok. honestly,  right now,  i just feel so angry with you &
 myself.  why?  coz of the fact that you are " shutting"  me off ( again)
 i ask myself what did i do to deserve this kind of treatment from you?  if your memory serves you right. you did this to me before. again. if i just let my " maldita"
 me get in the way. hindi na rin kita papansinin. and i just want to reiterate again. i don't want to do this to you coz i know you don't deserve this kind of treatment from me. i don't want to lose a friend nor do i want to gain an enemy in the process. but im just so hurt with all your "
cold treatment"  i dont want to nag or anything. i just want you to know how ive been feeling in the last months. there is never a day that i dont think of you and how you are coping with the phase you're in now.  i really feel bad also coz when i sent you some forwarded emails where you have to answer it. you do answer it.
BUT you don't answer MY personal email to you. and what really ticked me off the other day was. you even have a& nbsp; second ( not even a minute)
 to post that "  comment in myspace. com.  again,  i ask you: what was that suppose to mean?
 and fyi ( even if you ask me or not/ if you care or not)  he IS not my boyfrient ( right he is NOT)  but my coworker who is not even my close gf (
girlfriend)  at work but IS my gf ( GAYfriend) yup! he IS so gay! more girly that me for that matter.
 honesty. honesty. i really cant explain it but ive grown to connect with you way back and in truth,  ive learned to love you in some way also. thats why it really hurts me so much right now to see whats happening between us.  i just feel&
nbsp; really,  really& nbsp; sad if ill lose you as a friend. as ive said&
nbsp; before. boyfriends or girlfriends or even husbands or wives get separated but once you've found a true friend. they will be with you for life and accept you for what you are.  sometimes i tell myself. bakit ko pa pagsisiksikan ang sarili ko to a person who doesn't want me.
when there are still a lot of& nbsp; people out there who would want to have me for their friend" again rich. i just want to save our friendship.  i don't expect you to answer me back anymore.
bahala ka na. this will be my last email for now and i wont even bother you with my forwarded emails as well. im not really& nbsp; locking my door to you. i would just close it for now coz it appears that im not yet welcome in your life.
 lastly. salamat talaga for all the calls and talks we had before. i did look forward to& nbsp; it everytime. thanks a lot for listening and talking to me.
i really appreciate it. thank you again. as& nbsp; always. you take care of yourself.
nbsp;
