  AHAHAHAHA.....these are random thoughts i stole from some website thingy on someones profile....... I wish outer-space guys would conquer Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little basket-beds with my name on it. Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window. Normally I'm not one to believe in little green men from Mars. But one night, as I was driving home from a party, I caught something in my headlights I still can't explain. It had weird, catlike eyes and only stood about a foot tall. It was covered with grayish fur, and walked on all fours, like a cat.
It had a tail, which if I had to describe in terms of something here on Earth was, in a way, like a cat's. Also, it was carrying a ray gun in its mouth. It was either a ray gun or a mouse. What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. That's right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather, you say. That's an honest question, and I'll try to give it an honest answer. First of all, did I say it was a poison feather? If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
I'll never forget the time we were at the beach and we buried Uncle Joe in the sand. Boy, did we get in trouble! In fact, we got arrested. It turns out you can't bury people at the beach. Only at the cemetery. Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man. " If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming. In my next life, I hope I come back as a parrot, because I already know quite a few words. I remember the first time I ever went to the museum and saw the mummy.
At first I was afraid of it. So, to get over my fear, I started pointing at the mummy and doing a funny little dance. But then I couldn't stop doing the dance. Something made me dance faster and faster until finally I fell on the floor. Even then I couldn't stop doing the dance. I flailed about helplessly, yelling some weird Egyptian words! Then I think I passed out, from hitting my head on the marble floor. Now, I'm happy to say, I'm no longer afraid of the mummy, mainly because I don't go there anymore. If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
I'd like to see a movie where a guy is going to die when the sand runs out of an hourglass, but then at the last minute an ant stops the sand from running out. Then the rest of the movie is about the ant. Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake.
That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot. If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we re trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control. I wish somebody would invent a fruit that had no seeds, tasted delicious, and wouldn't scream when you ate it. Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet. I bet what happened was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then, that night, they burned the wheel. I don't say that the bird is "good" or the bat is "bad. " But I will say this: at least the bird is less nude. One of the worst things you can do as an actor, I think, is to forget your lines, and then get so flustered you start stabbing the other actors.
If a kid ever asks you how Santa Claus can live forever, I think a good answer is that he drinks blood. In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you. If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off.
You see, we build to that. The weirdest thing about going to the store and seeing a jar of pickles with your picture on it is not that your picture is on the jar. It's that the store manager won't give you the pickles for free, and doesn't even think the picture looks like you. To become a knife thrower in the circus, they probably don't let you start off throwing at a live woman. They start you out with a little girl. It's true that every time you head a bell, an angel gets his wings.
But what they don't tell you is, every time you hear a mousetrap snap, an angel gets set on fire. In the first castles, I bet a common mistake was putting the torture room next to the master bedroom. Boy, you're just not going to get the good sleep that way. Instead of half-mast, maybe you could fly a flag at three-quarter-mast for a guy who's in a coma. Then, if he gets worse, the flag gets lower, or if he gets better, it starts to move up, so you can just look at the flag and see how he's doing. To my way of thinking, there's nothing that can't be cured by a big ol' pot o beans. Except maybe bean fever. 
