  "And when we're done soul searchin', When we carry the weight and died for a cause, Is misery made beautiful Right before our eyes?
Mercy be revealed, Or blind us where we stand? Will we burn in heaven, Like we do down here?... " Witness , Sarah McLaghlan This post goes out to my best buddy in the entire friggin' world, Arynn, and all of you who gave me that extra hug the other day.
I really needed the support, and you guys kept me my smile from faltering. I love you all so much. The few days past, my life has slowed to an eerie crawl-- I physically went through my motions and routines ever so mechanically, but in my mind I sat somewhere isolated, somewhere too far away to touch with anything other than pure will and desperation. Lethargy and depression are two dangerous substances, my friends, and I was riding on the delicious fumes of a deadly hybrid of the two.
My world had suddenly become very, very simple: I existed. Purposelessly, I sat and stared with a glazed expression pondering the reasons of my being, finding only more complex questions to escalate my migraine to a new level. For a miniscule moment in time, I simply wanted to stop existing. Stop being Asian, stop being an artist, stop being a teenager, stop being horrible at math, stop being a music lover-- I wanted to stop being .
Just for a second of my life, I wanted to lay down and close my eyes and never open them again... Because everything hurt. Loosing my grandmother was such a horrible experience-- she was such a beautiful person, classy and religious... In nearly one hundred years of existence she had touched so many lives, I can only hope to be part of a meager portion that was her good. Grandma Helen, I miss you. Home was a wreck, too. Being my father's remaining parent, my grandmother left him orphaned. I've never seen him so upset about anything before, and quite frankly, it scared the shit out of me. He'd get destructive in his depression-- chain-smoking like a chimney, not eating, fluctuating between extreme bursts of anger to stony isolation.
It hurt us to see him hurting, and I couldn't do anything to ease that emptiness he felt. I think it was the only time I've ever seen him make my mother cry. Before any of you jump to false conclusions, he has NOT and would NEVER hit anyone. He is a gentle man, and not at all abusive in any way. It was his private grieving that worried us to the point of bitter tears. The funeral was more than I had imagined, but I think it was just as she would have wanted.
It was very proper and followed religious procedures exactly as they were written (despite the boringness of it all), and was all in all very beautiful. I was even allowed to say a word for her before the final parting. I was able to mumble around my tears how grateful I was to know such a woman, how grateful for such a family, to explain how much I loved every one of them. It was emotionally taxing, but I don't regret any word of it. Arynn, you showed up and surprised me. But I cannot express how deeply touched I am by that, not with all the words in the world. You truly are an amazing person, Arynn. Your compassion and support were my pillar through the tears and the yelling at home, and I could never repay you for the security you've given me.
To my friends, you showed me you cared, that you were concerned. I've never had that sort of companionship before-- my childhood was pathetically lonely for reasons I can very well understand, so it is no surprise how shocked I was at the number of people asking me if I was or would be okay. I felt important, I felt like I was needed, and THAT was my purpose. I have a purpose. I can justify my existence, because my presence is wanted by at least one soul in this world.
That thought alone warmed me until I thought I'd burst with laughter and tears in unbridled happiness. It is enough for me to feel something good again, something not hollow or false, something I could wrap myself in and fill my essence with its goodness. I've felt joy, contentment, I've felt my first extremely maudlin-high-school-girl crush (there's hope for me yet !)... It's overwhelming, but I can't get enough. I haven't felt this wonderful in eons. Who cares if the questions aren't answered?
I can answer them without words. Ask me. Because I'll only tell you to smile. 
