Good morning. He dumped me, aparently he wasn't ready for a relationship, I sort of guessed that. I feel so crushed inside, something that could have been so perfect gone completely awry. This is the most horrible feeling in the world, and on top of that I feel used and worthless... I'm really starting to hate all gay men I think, there's never an honest, open, compasionate, intelligent and humble guy. It's so stupid, I finally reached out again only to be knocked down again, is there no trait in me that's desirable? Or am I a push over? I don't know, something that should be so simple is the most complicated thing in my life. I'm crying inside as well as outside and I don't know how to stop it. We were perfect for each other, both smart University students who have dreams and ambitions in life beyond working at a call center, drugs and alcohol. Much more than that though, we were both out going, enjoyed the outside, went camping, hiking, swimming, coffee, dinner, movies, all my friends loved him, went out for icecream because I love ice cream, I gave too much of myself again and scared him away. He told me something along the lines that he never meant this as a serious relationship... what the hell is that?!? Why should I bother to learn about someone, their family, aspirations, personality and they learn about me if we're only fuck buddies? This is stupid! I don't understand! I'm not sure wether I will hate him or not because I am still processing his words and the
whole situation. Do I do this to relationships? Is it my fault? Seems that way, or perhaps I only attract and I'm only attracted to the ones that will hurt me more inside. I can't handle more breaking inside, I wasn't designed to feel such pain. I remember him flirting at first, before we went out, we went for dinner at the Calabria and he was so nervous he put sugar on his pizza inside of salt, it was cute. And my contact decided that it wanted to see how far towards the back of the eye it could make it before causing blindness in shear pain... so pretty at first, and devastating in the end. I can totally see
the irony in the entire situation, but I still do not apprechiate it. We used to go for lunch everyday because we both work at the University, now what? There's going to be a noticable void in my life at that juncture. It'll give me more time to work on my thesis I suppose. Here's another song that I wrote last year, it seems to fit here MOMENTS Have you ever had your heart stolen in a moment Just to have it crushed in a blink of an eye To finally find that someone who'll be forever Then learn that forever won't fly And in the moments of silence and teardrops I hold on with all of my might I swear to God one day that I'll be Happy with love in my life They say true love comes once in a lifetime But what if that moment has passed Because of foolish goals that stand in the way Of something so good for your soul And when looking back at that moment When we turned down that path of goodbyes Knowing that maybe we really could have been Forever, for always, for life And what if there's no other moment When we feel this good and so right And what if we now live our lifetimes Wondering if there is more to our lives Thre are times at night when I'll remember How our hearts touched one moment, one time After years of heartache I'll surrender as the lonely forever, for life So how could we have been ever so foolish To let something interfere with our hearts Instead of living life by it's moments, we were Blindly living life for it's ride They say love conquers all, but in an instant You either have nothing or you'll have
it all It's what we won't say, what we're holding back As if we've died inside So as we keep living life in that moment As I reach out through all of my tears Doomed to a lifetime of sadness And aging through all of these years I wonder if you can remember Our very first walk in the rain
The very first time that I kissed you and the moment you whispered my name I wonder if you would still hold me Like a ship that was lost in the storm Searching desparately for my guidance to a place that was safe and warm And as I sit here remembering those moments A rainbow breaks out in the sky The sunlight returns from the darkness The tears run new in my eyes LOL, I can't even see through my tears now :( I have to go, take care LOVE and Sadness inside DAN:(
