  Written 10. October. 1999 I swear there's a certain ennui trickling within me. A languid sort of viewing, perception of the world that worries me almost more than the situation from which it originates. I took a breath, and my whole world fell away when I exhaled, and I was forced to look at all the foundations on which I'd built the city of me. What I found was less than solid construction.
So I razed all the old foundations and in record time rebuilt using all new, indestructable materials. Solid as the oak, but with the power to bend as the willow, and offer shelter to others in the storms. Perhaps its just a fanciful metaphor for saying that I changed my life's values and perceptions in the space of a week. o maybe I like verbosity. But even that irreverence is part of who I am. I thought my time in Atlanta was hell.
It was everything a tearjerking, anger inciting, heart anguishing Lifetime movie of the week should be. I nearly died in Atlanta. And so I thought Atlanta was my hell. It turns out San Antonio was. For the first time I knew true, paralyzing, fork against your fillings tasting terror. And in the three days I lost contact with the outside world, my life shattered around me.
I was homeless, friendless, penniless, and had nothing but the phone numbers in my head and the clothes on my back. In the month since that time I have had to push the limits of who I am and what I was capable of to the breaking point- and beyond. I've swallowed all my pride and given up every spark of dignity. But by doing so, I broke all my own boundaries and rebuilt all my crumbling foundations- I renovated who I was. Became who I am. Its only in the last month that I finally gave up all my childish trappings and become a woman.
I'm not preaching. Gods know I had enough of that from my Mother last week. I guess what I'm saying is never give up. I know how it can be so tempting to drop your head onto the pillow of eternal sleep. But its not as fun as seeing just how strong you are. It sucks while its happening, but when its all over- Gods it feels almost better than sex.
I couldn't begin to tell you what's on the other side of life, but for me- its infinitely more fun to see how far I can go, how much of my own potential I can fulfill. No matter what though, be true to you. Because its not really worth it if you're not. 
