  I'm a friendly, outgoing person... I'm actually pretty good with people... have been for years. But, over last decade or so... I realized that I can (and do) talk about absolutely nothing at all, often for many hours at a time. When I tell a story in the first person, it could very well be someone else's, because effectively, it is a timeline of events and humorous anecdotes, but I have never spoken about how I feel about much of anything. Now, that's not to say that I don't have conversations about meaningful things, or that I don't have deep conversations with people that they perceive to meaningful. Politics, religion, philosophy, art, music, sickness health, triumphs and sadness, these are all things that I converse seriously about fairly regularly....
Truth is the until you get to know me fairly well, you might not even realize my handicap. But, when push comes to shove, it is impossible to ever get truly close to someone, or, more accurately, to let them get close to you when you never share what's inside you, how you are feeling, what is really going on inside your head. So, starting now... I'm going to try to learn to articulate what I'm feeling... I hope this helps...
There is this girl that I really love, we will call her " Beth " (not her real name). Anyway, we've dated on and off for a long time now and have basically a disfunctional relationship... I'd love to marry her, and I know she sort of loves me, but that just may not happen. I'll keep you up to date with current events and give you the whole saga soon, but for now I'll just give you the quickie.... One night as we were sitting together, me being an ass as usual, she put out a question... more of a request really... She asked; "If this is all there is to me?...
that she wants to get to know the real me". I didn't really know what the hell she was talking about, so I lied, and told her all about how there is so much of me that I just can't/won't/don't want to talk about. Truth is, that it was the most hurtful question I had ever been asked. You see, I thought that I was lying to her when I told her there was so much more there. I thought that I was sharing who I was with her, and that simply put, she thought me vapid, that there just wasn't enough substance to possibly be as far as I go.
I cried myself home on the uptown 6 at three in the morning next to this smelly homeless dude while listening to Elliott Smith (of blessed memory). I really felt like that is what I am, and that it just wasn't enough. Not fun. I had no idea what she meant until last week, I had a pre-24th-birthday catharsis, it turns out (thank God) that I really do have more to me than just surface nonsense, but for whatever reason, I always seem to avoid/dodge the questions (however benign) that come from people who really care about me... my family, friends, girlfriends.
Even a "where are you going? ", when I head out to do something simple, is met with an "out". Why?... I have NO Fuc*ing idea! It no secret, I'm not meeting with my harem of prostitutes or running drugs, or whathaveyou... I am likely just going for a walk by the water, or the store, or to visit the grandparents, or to help a nice old lady bring her bags up the stairs, or to buy guitar strings, or pray, or talk to Beth out side on the phone or whomever.... point is, there isn't any reason to be so secretive and closed all the time, what is it that I am trying to hide???
I am determined now to learn how to share my life, because If I don't, I'll never be able to really love anyone or be loved by them... Its a two way street... The giving part.... I can do that... but no-one is going to want to share their life with someone who doesn't appear to be sharing back.
So, this blog.... When/if you sense me being untruthful or it sounds like I'm holding back... please comment. You get to all be my therapist... I appreciate it in advance. Oh, and Happy Birthday to me, yesterday, 24, thats another story... it was a downer (as I get older I find that happening more and more), we can get into that later though. 
