  Would it all be better if I wasn't here? You know, just as I thought I had things figured out, they of coarse had to go ahead and change. I thought I knew what I wanted, where I was going in life, what I was going to do in life. I guess when you get too comfortable with that kind of thing all hell must break loose. Because it surley is causing havoc now. I mean, why the hell do I even bother anymore. It leads me no where, and always seems to dissapoint me. I thought that I would make my move, and maybe have a slight chance at being happy. Even if it was for a moment. You think that's going to happen now? Think again. Thought I was going to New York City when I graduated.
Can't. Why because fucking colleges have decided to rob their students of funds, and make it extremly unaffordable to pay your way in. $43,185 a year. Believe it. And to top it all of, I just don't know anymore. Just a hint for you all, don't take tylenole thinking it will take away enough pain. Because it doesnt, and then it sucks. I would love to express all of this to 'the group' but how many tears can you shed until it gets too old.
Seriously. I know they said I have to talk to them, because that is what we do, we talk. But heres a prime example of the old saying it's easier said than done. I've been like this for 15 (almost 16) years of my life. You'd think I'd be used to it by now. I almost am. Maybe if I dressed up everyday, wittled away my fatness to nothing, and cared about absolutly nothing in the world, just maybe then I could be happy. Is it the pessimistic side of me that scares everyone away? No one has ever seen this side of me in person.
This is what I keep to myself, and what i'd hate to put onto you guys because I don't think anyone needs to go thru exactly what I am going thru, because it's not their problems. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I don't want to have to do anything for myself. I just want to be okay. I don't care if I'm uberly happy, but I don't want to be like this. I just don't want to care anymore, because I don't care. But theres that thing in the corner of my mind, thats like, no, you must care because it is your life. You know, you guys don't see me like this. You don't see any of it. All you see is the happy go lucky girl that is cool to be around.
If you knew I was like this from the start, would you still want to be around me? I'm not a basketcase though. If that's what you're wondering. I just have no one I feel safe enough spilling all this too. And I really must say I hate all of the phoney people who pretend to care about what Im going thru. Because I hope you know that I can tell. I can see it, and I know. Let me tell you something. That's not cool d00d. not cool at all. why can't I just be able to say all of this. is it really that hard.
or is it just the fact I havent found the right person to say this all too. it kills me on the inside. it really does. and i could write it all out, exactly what im feeling. when it comes to saying it though, i can't. or when i do i mess it up and everyone gets pissed off at me because i'm horrible at words. you guys wonder why i don't tell you people anything. there you go. i think what it is, is that im just not good enough. i mean, im good enough to hang out with, and too listen to everyones problems. but im just not it. how do i get like this? is it my subconcious building and building until it can't hold all of this and it spills out into my normal state of conciousness.
because not long ago, i was fine. only three more years. just three. then maybe i can find what it takes to be happy. maybe i can find someone who understands me. because right now the only person i find myself to be happy around, couldnt care less about me. and hes not who you think he is. i guess it always has to come down to this, because alas this is all ive got. just me, and everything that i think about because i can't do anything else but think of things. then why the hell am i here? I dont know but i am starting to think it would all be better if I wasn't here. atleast not in brookfield. not in ohio. maybe not in the united states itself. 
