  I wonder if Chris would like urlLink any urlLink of urlLink this urlLink stuff .. I'm coming to terms with the fact that none of my furniture is going to match any of his. this leaves us with two options. we can have a lof of stuff that looks awful together or we can pick out some new furniture together that blends in with what he already has. of course, i'm voting for option #2. It's not that he has awful furniture or anything, but i think i'll just feel a little more comfortable if we had just a few things that were ours.
not just his, ya know? God, this is a really dumb thing to be consumed with during the work day. haha. I just don't know how to say what I am feeling right now. Of course, this is nothing new to me. Maybe I shouldn't even be typing this, but I don't know what else to do.
I need to make sense of things to myself, I think. I have some beautiful things that I love. A lot of them I am willing to part with. He is worth it and I would give up anything, without hesitation, to be with him. Unfortunately, that doesn't make certain things any easier. I have to find new homes for my cats.
Avery and Persia aren't going to be nearly as difficult to part with as Lily. For the last month or so, I have been going to my apartment to visit them on my lunch breaks. Lily knows I am gone, and she is mad at me. I can tell. She used to be SO affectionate towards me before all of this. Now she looks at me and thinks "you're a bad mommy.
you left me". She's just a cat. I love her like she's my baby, but the reality of it is that I can't bring her with me. It's not an option. And even though I want to tear my hair out when I think about it, I know giving her away is the right thing to do, for all of us. sigh.
Last november I bought a dining room table. This doesn't sound very exciting, does it? Well, for me - It was a landmark. I think It was the first "adult purchase" I ever made. And I was so proud of myself. It's not that it's the most expensive or beautiful thing in the world, but it made me feel at home.
Shortly after, my mom gave me a china cabinet that I had been dying to get my hands on since I was a child. We had it in our home since I was born. I loved it so much that I decorated my house around the idea of getting it. I found matching persian rugs, sofas, and everything. I love that room. I really do.
This is so dumb! I am about to cry over a china cabinet! Okay. I guess the point of all this is, that I want to be able to do it again. To feel connected. I am accepting the fact that the home I created is not my home anymore.
And I wouldn't want it to be. Not without Chris. Nothing I have matches his house at all, or would even so much as function in it. (with all the traffic and three giant dogs). I just want to make it feel like my home too, with him. I want to look around and feel like I am a part of something there.
Even if it's something as silly as a coffee table. or a dresser. I don't want to change anything that Chris is happy with. In fact, I want to do the opposite. I want us both to love this house and everything in it. And each other.
Forever. I am not sure that any of this made sense. I hate being female some days. 
