  you know i was looking through my brothers yearbook from last year,  and now i know that i shouldnt have done that,  everytime i look at it it makes me want to cry because i see all of these popular kids having a great time in high school smilling laughing having fun.  i would love to believe that i could actually be in one of those pictures someday because i am dying to have fun and fit in with the " popular"  people no matter what the cost,  i want it so bad that i am willing to give up my present friend which i know i shouldnt do.  it just hurts so bad to know that i could be having all that fun but yet im not.  All i want is to fit in and have fun and have a yearbook picture other than just my regular picture is that so hard?
 i need to have a feeling of love of many people.  but since im gay i will probably never accomplish that because i am too busy trying to cover that up i have no time to work on my social skills,  i feel that if i could come out of the closet i would be one of those kids in the yearbook having fun and loved my all.
 but coming out of the closet is going to be so hard yet so easy once i do it,  the problem is building up the courage and knowing the right time to do it if i can pin point those two things i will be happy with myself.  everyday i feel closer and closer to coming out yet farther and farther away,  i am dying to do it in highschool becuase i want to be able to just you know let myself free and allow myself to enjoy life instead of trying to cover up who i really am and allowing all of my social skills to suffer while i am too busy covering up what i should let free.
 i could talk to jenny about this becuase she is gay and im pretty sure that she might have and idea that i might be gay yet im not sure i know i could talk to her about my situation its just i dont think she sees me that way,
 the way i truly am.  coming out is such a touchy issue i just wish that if we are gay we could just be born that way and have everyone know about it at birth so we dont have to worry about the depressive problem that we will always face.  this subject only adds to my stress.  if only i could come out without ridicule and hate i would already have come out a long time ago,
 i mean like maybe even the 6th grade,  i know it sounds early but thats when i realized that i was gay and accepted if id o accept it all at this point its hard to tell now.  i feel so confused i just wish that i could bring myself to talking to someone like mrs forentino but she is off getting a degree but she says that she will be back,  she is the only one i really trusted and the only one besides maybe jenny that i could trust today.
 omg i cant stand it anymore someone just help me its tearing me up even worse than the davey thing becuase if i came out now it would change my whole life and the way people feel about me greatly than anything could ever do.  if only the world was a place where people wouldnt get picked on.  ok this is all that i can really think of on this dilema if you will right now i just want to be known for who i am.  Yet i dont want to be.  fuck it i dont care anymore.
