  Well, my plan with Brian was to start a conversation that would get his mind thinking about our relationship and how being monogamous with me might not be a bad experiment to undergo. Then, he cancelled on me. Again. Around noon yesterday. And I was pissed. I had been mentally prepared to talk to him.
I'd finally grown the balls I needed to say the things I've been thinking about for so long, to share the things that have been keeping me up nights and tormenting me in my solitude (yes, it's a morning for dramatic flare). And he cancelled on me. So, instead of doing this face to face, I sent him a really long email telling him what I have been thinking about. I didn't want to do it that way, but once I started writing and felt the release of actually saying what I've been biting back for so long, I couldn't stop. I knew that this was the time that this had to happen. I love him.
If I didn't love him, I wouldn't care. If I didn't think this would improve the quality of both our lives, I wouldn't have said anything in the first place. It was time to take a risk. If I lose him, well, at least I tried. So I woke up at 6 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. My nerves are wrecked right now.
I stayed in bed until 6:45 when my second alarm went off and then got out of bed and got ready for work. I was here at 10 til 8. I even made coffee for the guys, though I don't know how good it really is. Jake said it is ok, but he might have been saving my feelings. You never know. If you have any positive energy to send my way, please do.
I'm collecting it all in a bucket in my head. I think I have just about everyone covered. People are praying to different gods, we are all pooling this energy. It's going to thunder storm today. It's November and we had a thunder storm last night. Natty and I have been talking about weird energy that seems to be all around us right now.
It's been building up for a while, now, and it just feels like change is in the air. I've had lots of positive signs about Brian and me being together. I have to trust in the universe. I need all the help I can get. It may not end how I want it to, but at least this will all be resolved one way or the other. Maybe not today, but hopefully soon.
And we'll just keep everything crossed that this is the one thing in my life I'm guessing right about. I'm sorry to be so self-absorbed right now, but I can't help it. At least I'm fairly calm today. Yesterday I was practically chewing through my desk. If you don't take chances, you never get anywhere, right? If you don't risk losing everything, or at least things that are important to you, you can never gain anything of worth.
It'll all be ok in the end. It'll work out like it's supposed to. Who am I trying to convince here? Me or the universe? :) 
