  Without sleep again, I crawled into the living room at five this morning to enjoy I Love the 80s and I Love the 80s Strikes Back episodes. My brother stumbbled in around six. He must have had a massive bong-hit before he left, because he ate, wordlessly, for thirty minuets.
(No fear, though, he left my Ice Dream alone) We talked a little about Modest Mouse and school. This summer he is going to be living in Portland with his girlfriend on some hippie commune. Jake is planning on staying in Seattle and getting a summer job there. My mom will be taking classes at the community college and my dad will be working.
And if summer dosen't sound lonesome enough, there's always next school year. My dream of a quiet, peacful house is closer to being coming true. And with its realization I feel strangely scared. The dynamic of my home life is changing. It wasn't very hard when Jake went off to school. He hadn't been around much, and when we did see one another we usually argued. But Joey has been my pal since we were babies. There is evidence of our closer connection from home videos dating back to before I was born. Jake will yell at my mom's stomache ("HEY BABY ANNA!
BABY ANNA!! ") and Joey will "show me" his toys and talk in a barely audible whisper. Despite all his problems, I still feel a stronger bond with him. And now he is leaving. I mentioned Joey's problems... there have been a lot. My parents tried to hide a lot from me when I was younger, but not anymore. Maybe that's because they are too big to hide now, or maybe its because they are tired of keeping secrets. I guess the first real instance I can remember of him getting in trouble more than the usual "talking to" was when he was eleven. It was the summer and he and a friend had pitched a tent in the backyard. My mom came out to check on them in the middle of the night, and she found them sharing a bottle of wine.
Things escalaed from there. Trouble at school, as is typical. But then he really hurt my parents when he said he didn't want to go to church anymore. He got kicked out of Sacajewa and charged with a felony by fourteen. My parents sent him to Northwest Christian, he was kicked out again. He started going to LC and started doing more drugs. He's been arrested so many times now... it seems commonplace.
I feel kind of shitty for airing out his problems, but they have really hurt me too. I don't think he sees that when he breaks into people house (summer 2002) or is found drunk in the park (summer 2003) that it scares the crap out of me. What semblance of discipline will be gone in only a few months, and the thought of him out in the world with no protection terrifies me. Affectionately... Anna 
