  I woke up at 5:00 this morning and realized how much I am going to sleeping. Thanks to the apprehensiveness and stress of school, I'm back to me erratic four-hour slumbers. It amazes me that some people can fall asleep by simply lying in there beds. Why was I not blessed with such a gift? I am such a procrastinator; I have been trying to relay the urlLink Coolest Thing Ever in my blog since I got back from the Radiohead concert on Monday. But the aforementioned stress, apprehensiveness and the added fact that I was freaking out about quitting cross country (now only a minor thing, everyone was cool with it.
That is, except Dad. But What can I do? Nothing will ever be good enough, and I am learning to accept that) took up to much room in my consciousness. So here is the story, that is unfairly being told three days late. I was surfing some blogs a while ago. I do that sometimes when I'm in an "ugggh" mood.
It's so reassuring to read about a random stranger's world, because every now and then one really strikes a cord. I found one of the best blogs ever (right up there with urlLink My Secretly Interesting Life ) Everything in this woman's world seems to be undeniably cool. She works at Adult store. That is, not really triple X, but the sort of store that would make Certain Unnamed Cult Memebers' (bleached) hair curl. She is just so damn cool, I'm amazed. Her writing reminds me of Sarah Vowell.
I love it. So I told her so in an e-mail, and shamelessly added my link. I guess she was curious, and checked out my blog. She read, like, the entire thing . If that in itself isn't awesome enough, she wrote this incredible post relative to the whole Certain Unnamed Cult Member breakup. I swear, every word she wrote in that entry was poetry to me, and so exact and so inspiring I can't stand it.
I cried and cried and cried when I read it because it was so honest and so true. And painful. And I know exactly, exactly what she means. Only she articulated it better. I really wasn't sure how to describe my hurt until she did it for me. Usually I selectively quote, using only the most inspired words.
But every word in this paragraph is perfect, and I know when you read it you will understand exactly how I feel: "But your girlfriends are different - they're smart and funny and cool and egg you on to be your wittiest, brightest self. They're there for advice, for hand-holding when you need it, and you pour your heart and darkest secrets into them like they're a sponge, ready to soak you up. You give them your love, wrapped as messily as it is with your insecurities and neurotic behavior and secret love for some crappy band that you'd never tell anybody else about. And all you ask is that they love you back. It's the greatest gift you can give anyone, your love, and in high school it's so intense and pure and loyal and beautiful, this love you give before your emotional walls are fully up to guard you against this exact thing. That why it hurts like FUCK when the recipient abruptly shrugs it off, like it meant nothing.
And why you never forget it. " She continues on about some Certain Unnamed Cult Memeber-esque former friend who ended their friendship. This girl's justification for her actions was completely different from Certain Unnamed Cult Member's and yet totally the same. Oh god, and she makes me feel fucking ridiculous for wanting to be so mean to Certain Unnamed Cult Member. Right now my hurt is still so fresh and so intense that every time I see her, I either want to cry my eyes out or stew in complete and total ANGER. I want to remember every bad thing about her.
How she paused a minimum of 20 seconds before answering anything. How we together we solidified our mutual isolation and social anonymity. How all her notes were written in pencil and in oversized childlike handwriting that drove my obsessive compulsive ass crazy. The time she told me her mother thought I was a bad influence. But then I think of how comfortable it was to have a constant friend. Having half of our classes together, I always had a "Study Buddy".
I always had someone to eat with. I always had someone to hang out after school with. I always had someone to geekily admire Connor Haffety and Stevie Weller and yes, even somehow attractive teachers, with. And even know that I have people to do all those things with, it doesn't feel as secure. Our friendship had been a comfortable worn-in sweater, and I could always put it on when I felt the need. Now I am a sweaterless mess.
I've really got to get over this. It takes up too much time and energy to be sad. You have got to read it... urlLink One Good Thing . Affectionately... Anna 
