  There is a patronizingly titled paperback on my bookshelf called “ How to Find God ” It sits on the religion shelf between The Student’s Application and The New Adventure bibles. Only in my guilt-ridden, post-catholic school mind can a book be patronizing. Nevertheless, “ How to Find God ” has taken on a life of its own. It stares out from its shelf, judging me silently. But I can hear it screaming out from its binding, “ I am watching you! I know you! I can see what you’re doing and I don’t like it !” Coincidentally, Mary gave me this book. That’s an interesting detail, but aside from the point. The point is that I need to get rid of this book .
The first chapter is called, “ How You Can Know God ”. This appealed to me. We could throw back a few diet cokes and talk about the last Smith’s album. But the chapter is actually twenty-five pages of pointers on how to stay away from MTV and quit taking the Lord’s name in vain, gosh darn it! “ Purpose, meaning, a reason for living- theses are all things we desire and search for in life. Despite steps each one of us takes to find purpose and meaning in life, we still feel empty, unfulfilled .” What a page-turner, huh?
And so optimistic! With such awful metaphors (Christ is a breathmint! ) one might think that I ended my reading within the first pages. Oh no. You forget I was given this last year, prior to the ‘burnt-out on Jesus’ stage. I read the entire thing, cover to cover. Not only did I read it, I highlighted passages and wrote in the margins. There is one notecard with fifteen different passage denotations written on it. I’m not sure what they’re all about. But knowing me, they’re probably historic battle facts or something. Now, however, things are different. [For one thing, I’m just not down with Ephesians 5: 21-33 anymore.
I mean, I’m a woman of the twenty-first century; I’m not going to submit to my husband’s “leadership”. Screw that! ] With it’s blatant homophobic, anti-female, and fundamentalist overtones, I know this book is not a fair representation of Christianity as a whole. But I see it as a microcosm of what, if left unchecked, a church’s influence can do to a person. I look back on myself last year and I cringe. I was close with a girl named Erinn. Erinn was a witty, spunky Irish girl who listened to Bob Dylan and smoked cloves. She got her nose pierced before it became hip and cute. Towards the end of the year, she confided in me that she was a lesbian and I freaked out.
Not only did I try to show her (insert cringe) the moral error of her “choice” to be gay, I also stopped being friends with her. Completely. I treated her as politely as is possible, but would make excuses to be with her in any context. I was told that this was the right thing to do. Because the bible states that homosexuality is an act of perversion, right? And the Bible doesn’t lie. Well, that, my friends, is what led me to the dead end of my spiritual journey. And I’m really not one to back paddle, so I may be here for a while. Affectionately… Anna 
