  You know the saying, " Easrdroppers never hear anything good " (or something like that? ) Joey's dealer called last night and I "accidentally" (purposfully) heard the worst thing I could ever hear over the phone. My brother ordering " crack ". I was numbed by this. My brother has been kicked out of two schools and Boy Scouts of America (for life ) and charged with several misdemeners and a felony. My brother regularly smoke cigarettes, drinks alcohol, and does a) marijuna b) mushrooms and c) ectasy. And yet I was still shocked at this exchange of words. Floored, even. I was so happy this last week, I was convinced that he is going to graduate. He was being so nice, he wasn't angry at me or my mom. He even had a non-hostile conversation with my father. And then this... What can I say to describe how I feel about this discovery? He is my brother, I love him.
And he is literally risking his life . Willing and unneccessarily putting himself in a life-or-death situation. He is so selfish ! How can he do this to me and to Jake, not to mention my parents (who have already lost a child)?? The audacity to care only about himself and what he wants... a higher high. Health risks aside, cocaine is illegal . He could go to prision. My brother in that orange jumpsuit that he has been able to illude for the last five years.
So, I confronted him about it. I printed out a list of health risks from the internet about cocaine. I told him I loved him and I didn't want to see him die... and he was furious . How dare I! Annoying little sister, always getting in the way of his fun. The tattletale. It reminded me of everytime he would hit me growing up, only the pain was in my heart this time. He doesn't realize how his actions affect the people around him. My mother, rubbing his back after an all night drinking binge. My father paying off his court costs, pulling strings and trying to save face. Jake, not understanding. And me. The tattletale little sister. The one who gets in the way of everything. The " stupid ", " fat ", " ugly ", obnoxious little girl who is too far from cool to " get it ".
He looks at me like a foreigner... Not matter what I do, nothing could make me understand, God knows I've tried. I'm so easily manipulated by him. He can charm his way into my wallet. He can get me to lie for him. And I hate him for taking advantage of me like that... I hate him for calling me such awful names, I hate him for being selfish and careless and cruel. I hate him, I hate him, I hate him. But, really, I can't hate him. He's my brother. Affectionately... Anna 
