  Howdy Gents and sick women. Welcome to the nightmare that is Beer 'N' Porn . I make no apologies for what you may find here.
Suffice it to say, this will be evidence of what happens when a group of your average no-nonsense type guys get together in the name of booze, cheap thrills, and intellectual conversation. This is our take on the world around us. Visit often and stay as long as you like. Since I started this damn thing, I guess I'll go first. Hang on tight.... I remember being young (younger - 6 or so) and imagining what it’d be like to be 20-something.
At that point, I considered 20-something to be fairly old. By then I’d be able to drive, vote, drink, smoke “ I’d have my own home and I’d probably be getting married soon to some beautiful and intelligent woman who loved me right back. I’d be bigger and stronger. I would be a grown up. I thought about it frequently and it made me impatient.
I wanted to be old enough to have responsibility but no more “ I didn’t want to be old. Although old age isn’t exactly bearing down on me any time in the near future, it again has become the subject of my daily thoughts. Not in the same way as when I was six years old, however. These thought seem more realistic “ a bit more static and convincing than the six-year-old’s waking dreams. I wonder how it’ll all turn out. Not finally (that does come to mind though) but more in the not too distant future.
Who will I be with? Will it be ok by then (with me or with “everyone else)? How will I? Where will I? All this echoing brought me to write this down in an effort to try and clear space in the attic. I’m gay. Means so much. I find it has a separate meaning for just about every individual. Oh sure some are similar in nature and concept.
But somewhere along the line, personal opinion “ the real and deep impressions they make on us and we make on ourselves daily”questions, answers, analysis of what and why”our genuine sentiment”true thought uninterrupted by pressure “ gets added to the mix. From that, a few definitions of gay get splintered into innumerable sub-opinions, sub-sub-opinions and offshoots of sub-opinions and so on and so on. In the end, everyone has there own personal definition and opinion of what gay is. I’d assume it’s like that for just about every topic of thought.
But my problem comes from my definition so it’s important that I put it out on the table. Try and bear with me. What other people think of me being gay: I’m not a true man. I’m not a complete and masculine man. I am more woman than a straight man. I’m weak and girlish and like girlish things which makes me less of a man.
This hurts. It hurt to constantly battle with all of these (and many other) thoughts of what they are thinking. I checked myself daily for the limp wrist, the slurred speech, the clothes, the voice “everything. I tried everyday to be as masculine as possible lest I slip through the cracks and become one of Them “ the queers, the fags, the “ladies. I tried. I deepened my voice, I watched what I wore and, most importantly, I watched very carefully what I expressed interest in.
I didn’t talk about antiques (not really interested in antiques in reality) or interior design (ditto) or the like. Even deeper than this, I more or less kept my distance from and did not express interest in men who fit the gay stereotypes. I tried everyday to be a “regular guy” who just so happens to like men. I tried hard. It was maddening. I couldn’t be a man and like men. My masculinity was eroded by the stereotypical image most people have of gay men “ yes that includes me.
I crucified myself in little moments that I caught myself doing the “wrong” things “ right down to the laugh. If I was sitting wrong (fag! ) I straightened up or made it a bit more “manly. Is that my hand swishing a little (fucking fagot! ) too “sweetly”? Toughen it up a bit somehow. Don’t wear your shirt like that, Drew. You look a like a (fag “ you’re going to hell.
You know that don’t you? All of those speeches and pamphlets in your favor are bullshit. You aren’t going to heaven. HE never intended for anyone to stay gay. It’s like a sickness “ a mental disorder “ it’s a demon. God may love you but you can’t be gay. Kill it off, Drew “ Kill it off. ) queer. After a while of fighting that madness, things changed.
The part of “Straight-gay guy” was far too tough and, believe it or not, it was literally killing me. I couldn’t keep up with my own standards”and so I just became “Drew”. It all happened very naturally and easily and I found that I didn’t mind me so much then. What I also found was that most of the pressure to be this uber-masculine man came from myself “ a fear breed into me by me and the world around me or being gay.
Wow. That shook my thought tree something awful. Took me a while to realize that I played a part in my own slow torture. All this because I believed something. I believed, simply put, that I wouldn’t have friends if I was gay. What a world. What I think of me being gay I wish I could be gay without fear. I don’t mean that I’m afraid of getting my ass kicked. I’m STILL afraid of rejection by the people I love and respect. I’m afraid that I’ll be the un-normal kid.
I’m even more afraid of my friends staying my friend because of some obligation to be politically correct while feeling outright disgusted at my “unnatural” state. I wish it didn’t matter. That’s all. Being gay I mean”I wish it didn’t matter but it does. We, as human beings, have not grown to that point. We care. We don’t really care that they’re gay as long as they keep it somewhat lowkey. Don’t kiss in public. Don’t talk about your boyfriend or girlfriend like it’s “ok” and for godsakes, don’t make it sound so “normal”! We don’t want “them” teaching our children. We don’t want them on our buses next to us. We don’t want them singing and dancing or doing (god forbid it) anything in public.
We don’t want them to be seen. Sweep those girlish freaks under a carpet somewhere. They’re ok and all but they certainly aren’t (acceptable) normal by any standards. One of “them couldn’t be president “ not seriously. They are an oddity - a novelty. They are the trend of the 90’s and the new millenium. With any luck, our children will grow out of that phase “ that movement. They will soon be returned to the basement”to hide”to practice their abominations in silence, in secret, and away from the rest of us “ far, far, far (die) away.
Forgive the sermon. Part of me believes the hype. I get a little emotional and I think to myself, ‘It’s because I’m gay’. That’s why this is happening to me “ or that’s why I did what I did. Almost everything I do I associate in one way or another with being gay. I sit this way because I’m (a fag) gay. I do this or that because I’m (queer) gay. I believe sometimes that I’m repressing all of the girlish things that I should be doing. Sometimes I buy into it. It’s very hard for me to be myself at times. I constantly question every move “ every move.
Thoughts, words, clothes “ I can’t begin to tell you. Yes, it makes me angry. It makes me angry that I cannot date or express interest without fear. I can’t kiss in public without feeling uneasy. I wish it didn’t matter to us. But it does “ anyone who says differently is likely lying”and that’s not to say everyone is anti-gay. That IS to say that most folk give a shit one way or another. What I think now Being gay isn't who I am any more than being a musician is who I am.
I am the sum of many things and gay just happens to be one of the ones that a lot of people seems to be riled about. Am I proud to be gay? Getting there. It's a long road and I find I take the bigger steps alone. Yet, I also find out more and more about myself along the way. What’s my point? I wanted to give you an idea of what it’s like. In some way I hope by putting myself on the line, a few lights will click on at some point and people will consider a few things that they maybe haven’t before.
That’s not to say I want this to change minds “ whether you believe homosexuality is right or wrong is up to you. This is just to remind people of our (my) [their] humanity. That's something we all have in common. Peace, Dexter Otis Green 
