  What can I say... another potential addition to the Beer 'n Porn family has submitted some mindless drivel. His name is Sasquatch... long time friend, life time brother, my long-reaching right arm, and a permanent pain in my friggin' ass. What can I say, I love the kid. He learned to read and write just 3 years ago. When I found him he was lost in the woods subsisting on nuts, berries, and the occasional honey bun. I convinced the administration at the University to admit him and... well... the rest is history. HE cooks for me so I really have nothing awful to say... I do so enjoy spaghetti... and pork chops... (hint hint) Lend an ear to the wild one. I'm sure you'll enjoy it. Hold on to your fur, kids... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SUV’s, Ditches, and You: A love story Last weekend brought the second true snowstorm of the year, and though the roads were in their usual shitty condition, covered with snow and slush and sleet and ice, I was out there.
I was driving through the madness, making my way determinedly through the mess and muck. “Are you a mailman?” some may ask. I say “No.” Some may even think I drive an SUV, with their fancy four wheel drive and bigger engines, to force themselves across the icy roads. Nope, no SUV either. Not to say that they weren’t out there. As I slogged my way through the wintry wastes, I saw SUV after SUV pass me on the highway, their drivers believing blindly that the magic of four wheel drive would save them from the powers of that great physical force, Inertia. Amusingly enough, I saw more SUVs and trucks than cars on the side of the road, covered in snow, or trying to get themselves out of a ditch that their careless driving had slid them into. No, friends, I do not drive an SUV. I don’t drive a truck. I don’t have four wheel drive, and, frankly, I don’t want it. I drive a 1989 Plymouth Horizon – a small hatchback with a 2.2L engine that pulls the car’s svelte 845 lb. frame along. I think Lewis Black did a bit on the Horizon once, but I don’t think he had a very charitable opinion on the matter. This car has the snow traction of Wile E. Coyote with a banana peel under his feet – that is to say, very little, if any at all.
It’s light and relatively powerful for its size, which doesn’t bode well when you don’t want the car to slide or the wheels to spin. Hit the gas a bit too hard, and the wheels spin in place, sending a flume of snow from the front tires. Try and turn too sharply on an icy road, and you’ll slide off the road like the four year old girl at figure skating lessons for the first time.
Try and drive over some snow that’s any deeper than nine inches or so, and the car will likely strand itself on the snow like a beached whale, the tires unable to reach the ground. Sounds like fun, huh? Some people may be thinking to themselves, “If you are driving in the snow so much, why don’t you just get a truck/SUV/dogsled?” Four wheel drive and more weight should help you be safer in the snow, right? As the cars in the ditches might tell you, four wheel drive doesn’t make up for stupidity. This is a big problem facing us these days – dipshits with SUVs and drivers’ licenses. I’m not really complaining about any of the usual issues that people associate with the vehicles – low gas mileage, low safety, consumer indulgence, etc etc. I’m not an activist and I see no real gain in pissing and moaning about how they waste so much gasoline and they take up too much space. I just laugh when I fill up my gas tank for $15, and the gauge on their pump is at $38 and still counting. Essentially, I’m complaining about bad drivers. I’m complaining about people who pay $25,000, $30,000, or more on a car, and then expect this behemoth to take care of them when the snow comes around.
Four wheel drive means it’s good in the snow, right? They’re also the first ones to point out all of the fancy schmancy technological advances that were included in the car that helps them in the snow. I could write three thousand pages on how much I despise the arrogance that is fog lamps (but that is for another time).
Snow driving is a very difficult task that requires a lot of practice and preparation. I spent a lot of time my first winter learning about how cars move in the snow, and how to counteract the car’s motion when it starts to slide. Granted, I spent most of the time doing donuts in the parking lot at my high school, but I practiced until I felt comfortable with it.
Most people who buy SUVs assume that with the scented floor mats they get a security blanket, and they’re always the ones who are surprised when they end up with their chariot lying sidewise in a ditch on the side of the highway, waiting for the tow truck to drag it home for them. This merely illustrates an issue I have with American consumerist and materialist culture. The idea that a better piece of equipment will automatically make you capable of things you could not previously do pervades a great chunk of the marketing and advertising that you face every day. Our athletic shoes will let you jump like Michael Jordan. Our baseball bat will let you hit like Barry Bonds. Our gloves will let you catch like Ichiro Suzuki. Our car will let you drive like Michael Andretti.
Our computer will make your kid smarter. It’s all bullshit. Those athletic shoes are no better than foot covers if you weigh 300 lbs. That baseball bat it still just an expensive piece of firewood to Grandpa. That glove is just an ex-cow if you have the hand-eye coordination of a blind wombat. That Porche will still slide into a ditch if you take a corner too quickly. And that computer is useless if your kid doesn’t study as it is.
He’s just gonna be watching three second clips of porn and reading subversive stuff that some yahoos have been posting online - hey, kinda like this! So, when I do things, I eschew that expensive equipment. I play paintball - I have a lower end marker. I still do rather well. I ski. I bought used equipment, and it works perfectly. and I love to drive in the snow and other times - with a car that I bought from my father for $400. Next time you think about getting into a new pastime or picking up a new hobby, spend more time working on the basics and technical skills required, and spend less money on unnecessary equipment. Become better at what you do than contribute to the crap that’s foisted on us all the time. Peace. --Sasquatch 
