  Updation Nation – 1/9/03 Well, here we are, a week into the New Year, and I think we can all safely assume that this year is going to suck just as bad as we all thought.
Rather than dwell on the uselessness of existence and the emptiness of the soul, let’s fill the empty void with some crass humor! Here are the results of the most recent poll: ----------------------------------------------------------------- BABIES? 5) MY PRIDE AND JOY – 1 vote (2%) 4) PERFECT AGE FOR DATIN’ – 6 votes (14%) 2 (tie) SHOULDA AIMED FOR THE BUNG – 8 votes (19%) 2 (tie) SORRY, WRONG NUMBER – 8 votes (19%) And, the number one response: 1) SERVED WITH RED WINE – 19 votes (45%) --------------------------------------------------------------- In a landside, our faithful Beer ‘n’ Porn readers have determined that the proper response to the question of Babies is to serve them in the best Julia Child fashion.
This simply confirms my suspicion that the majority of our fans are rabid cannibals with condemned souls. This affects my ability to sleep at night. The second greatest population of readers, however, is not that much better. It appears that we have a contingent of deadbeat dads in our target audience – or at least people who enjoy a little assplay with their nookie. Far be it from me to pass judgements on your sexual desires; at least you’re not eating ‘em like most of our readers! Although, the six of you who voted for #4 – shame! The authors of Beer ‘n’ Porn would like to go on record explicitly stating that we are appalled at the suggestion that newborns are available for romantic relationships.
As McGruff the Crime Dog used to say, “Take a bite out of jailbait!” …Or crime, something like that. Finally, to the one person who voted for the wholesome all-American answer: who are you? What the hell are you doing reading the perversion that is Beer ‘N’ Porn? I WILL NOT HAVE FAMILY VALUES POLLUTING THIS SITE! Fess up now, and your punishment will be quick and painless. Make sure to check out our newest poll, let your voice be heard, and leave a little feedback for us. We love reading your dirty little notes. I did have a post planned for today, but I was sidetracked by an attack of laziness, so maybe I’ll get to it tonight. Or tomorrow. Or maybe never. Why are you nagging me so much? Leave me alone. -Mr. Carson 
