  ok, now everything is not so funny. after a rather sobering convo with yue last night (man, it was LONG too...i was just meaning to kill time before ER started and then by the time i got off it'd been over for like half an hour. so apparently my parents are both very screwed up asian people, and i am merely the screwed up product of these two people. oh dont worry, it wasn't like a fight where she was saying i was screwed up. actually, she was trying to read me for clues to zuhair's secret, and i was trying hard not to emit any. i forgot how, but the convo somehow turned to how detached my dad acts.
i never thought about any of that before, i always thought my mom was the screwed up one. as in, she's childish and narrow-minded and literally drunk with the power of american parenthood. but then again, that's classic asian. (refer to the Joy Luck Club heeheehee.....i think she reminds me most of jing-mei's mind. CPC summed up in one sentence: "I'm not asking you to be perfect. I'm asking you to try harder, reach full potential.
When you reach full potential, you will be best! " (not exactly how the line went but yah we get it) Now my dad i thought was a pretty normal person. he doesn't rant or yell (much...and when he does it's for such stupid things), and he's very logical and reasonable about everything. but apparently, he's really detached. it's always like he's got his mind on something else.....when yue got out of the car yesterday, he said "bye" like it was a surprise she was in the car at all. and come to think of it......he's always like that.
he's oblivious. i used to think it was a good thing, because i could get away with so much, and lie my ass off badly and still get away with it. i could sit in the back of the car with eleanor and talk about having sex with josh (i'm not) and he wouldn't notice. maybe that's why my mom suspects, and my dad is like "trust her. " and it seems like it's rubbing off on me. see, here it is.
observing the whole situation with no emotion, merely reporting facts. begeezus. no wonder people are saying i sound sarcastic all the time, even when i think i mean it. come to think of it....when was the last time i really felt anything at all? i'm always justifying, rationalizing, planning things in my head. maybe that's what my dad is doing.
he doesn't get out much. he eats, sleeps, works, reads, watches TV. when i ask him to, he comse with me to one of my functions. i think my mom has stopped trying to take him on her joyrides. i thought about it last night (after writing about it for 45 minutes. sorry, but i'm always a writer.
documentation necessary.....) and then i started getting a little sad. like...i think i was REALLY sad. i cried a little bit, about how i really am wandering around aimlessly like i always afraid to. i planned so hard to make sure i knew where i was going: to soccer mom bliss, or at least to optimism. this isn't optimism. it's denial and detachment.....and i realized it for a moment, and i cried.
just a little bit, because when i wiped away the first tear i think something in me snapped and i suddenly wasn't sad anymore. i was back to that "no, it's alright. this isn't that bad" mindset. i stopped crying too, if u can call one tear and the beginning of one tear crying. so i laid in bed and thought some more. so, if i've got no emotion, how did this happen?
was i trying so hard to deal with my mom that i turned into my dad? how come nobody can see this except for yue. maybe not even eleanor, maybe not even josh. do the caffeine high's and ability to talk to myself for hours make me a happy person? a person who can deal with things? or......is this really alright, and nothing is wrong.
i'm just pretending? well still. what bothers me is.....why dont i feel? very little makes me feel anymore. the last time i cried for real was prolly when i thought eleanor committed suicide (there ya go, rationality gone). but normally it's all just.....well, not an act.
an act that's become real. too much stuff going on. but at least it works. people around me are happy, and i am always satisfied. maybe i'm overanalyzing this once again. this is why yue told me not to write anything down.
oh, but i have decided something: i'm going catholic. ******************************************************************************************************************************* ok, total change of mood. ooh....so my ass hurts like a mother, and i can imagine why. too much walking yesterday....too much sitting as well. hahahaha. but i had to get up early today because i wanted to go shopping with my dad.
man.....stores in the morning are the schizz! u know...when everything is all neat, there's not too many people there to deal with.....all the sizes are there, and there are multiple smalls!!!! well, mostly anyway. it was pretty nice...man i really didn't want to go with my mom because she gets so nickpicky about everything, and of course my detached dad merely thinks for a few seconds and then nods approval. haha, it was pretty funny though. my logical self floated out of my body again and was looking at the situation.
here it was.......a really weird asian chick and her equally ewird dad. the girl, trying to live in the moment by going nuts in the juniors department, and her dad just wanderin behind her carrying everything she was going to get and looking distracted like a stoned scientist. i wonder if my dad is doing drugs. prolly ADD. yah, he denies it but so do most non-clinical doctors. so anyway, i've satisfied myself for the moment.
remember how last year was the year of the short sleeved blue shirt? well, this year i'm going school spirity. everything i bought was either red or white!!! yah, that means no jean jacket or shirt that looks just like my other one, but i can't remeber why i ever wanted it. i visited that awsome pantsuit that we saw the othr week.....*sniff sniff* i felt empty w/o it, but then i rationalized to myself "dont be silly, u have another one already. besides, who debates in a pantsuit besides jessica huyn?
" lol. but yah....ok before the year is over i am still going to get it. haha, just to indulge myself and maybe beconme human for a second. so when we finished wandering around JCPenney, i was like "dammit, now we have to go to old navy. " and he's all, "why?". i respond "because i need to get track pants for band.
" and then he gives me this detached look tat's like "ok.....then. but go with your mom, i have to go to work now. (it being like 10.30) " so then i fretted over shopping with my mom, but i think it'll be alright because she went nuts and decided that not only were my purchases satisfactory, not too revealing or otherwise "bu shan yan", she wants to go shopping too so i figures it'll be a joint shopping trip and i can just run away and hide when we get there and not show up again until i want her to check out for me. haha....man i am a horrible daughter. oh wells. varun and ingrid didn't want to shoot me.
*whew* zach things i was there only because they never told him i wasn't, and i guess he figured i just didn't want to have lunch with him or something.......... PLANS FOR TODAY (not blogging about them unless something happens out of the ordinary) - lunch at 11....it's a friday and i'm home so i'll be watching my soaps. - doctor's appointment at 2. i am going to try and get my mom not to come in with me because u know when dr cutler asks me all those annoying questions and vice versa my mom will interject unnecessary comments....such as "she doesn't sleep enough, she doesn't eat enough.....she's living ahorrible life! " . ok fine, u guys might agree wth that, but lol it's just annoying coming from my mom. we realized last night it's cuz i dont think she's got any right to say those things.....her being just as childish and unparentlike. now coming frm yue and eleanor....that's kewl.
maybe that's why i can't get mad at them? - whenever i get back fromt he doctors, i need to go to bellairea and take care of all that shit. lovely lovely............ i still haven't worked any on world history or debate. dude this sucks. i still havent mentioned goingt o UH this saturday to my dad either. psh...he'll be fine with it.
jane 
