  this is why everybody has to read the joy luck club. (c yue's last post). this is why we are forced to lie, and ignore, and why we are built...no wait, how we make ourselves adapt to calamities easily and to get over things quickly. because judgement, criticism, and nonfullfillment of expectations never stops. well, this is what PMS does to me. (p means pre josh, and for me present!
grrr) two cups of coffee, plus sleeping on the couch, plus one mug of hot chocolate = happiness! well....actually mood swings. i got up early today (9.30) to go to the zoo for only a couple of hours, to work on the newsletter, because as lauren shapiro puts it, "zuhair doesn't know how to do anything", and as zuhair puts it "i dont feel like working alone, and besides lauren doesn't know anything at all....us bellaire ppl gotta stick together", so i guess i'm the glue that holds ppl together. heeheehe. when my mom heard that i had to go in to the zoo today, she was at first sort of pissed off ("this is why you only weigh 99 lbs! ") but then she was sort of proud of me in a twisted sort of way that i was elmer's rep for the blue smurfs, i guess.
lol. anyway...so i got there, and luckily i didn't run into mitchell until 11.30 when he got off for lunch. hahaha. i was trying so hard to be PMS-ing with him that it worked. and then i called josh and had a little escape for awihle. then back to work......oh but dana and lisa came, and showed me around birds and gave me the scoop on all the happenings of birds.....man i am SOOO switching sections next year.
so after what i call lunch (going to the bird gardens with dana and lisa) i got back, and zuhair pestered me into staying until 2.45. wow we actually got the newsletter done really fast this time....only 2 days......and we got done before 4.30 too......i actually left at 3, and u know what? i think it's the best issue like...eVER! i know with a publication like the "ZooCrew Newsletter" it can ONLY get better, but u know what, this newsletter was actually mostly text this time, with no space fillers, and only appropriate pictures. WOW. i actually didn't spazz out (much) before it got printed........ and the news is actually newsowrhty so *whew*. so me and josh went ot hte museum, and i was a little pissed of cuz i didn't get to change my clothes (stupid mitchell....wasting my time during his lunch break).
but once again, my fascination with those zoo shorts actually made me likes the shorts, but i still ended up changing shirts. *whew* good thing too, it actually came in handy later. the mfah is the SCHIZ!!!!! soooo much better than Nat. Galleries......the layout, the selection.......i mean, if only they housed the masterpieces at mfah...then THAt would be something. it's still great now though.......there's just lesser works of the schizzy artists.
:-) must go back.....a very romantic place too.................heeheehee........ anyhows, but when i got back home, i was sort of a little bit down (i guess i had such a good time that an anticlimax sort of happened), so i sat there, tried to watch tv, ate a little bit, and headed over to the computer to see what was happening online. not much.....hari is still going psycho over eleanor's "disappearance", ppl still flickering, etc etc. and then i tried to download and print the correspondence course registration forms but it turns out it required me downloading a whole other application so i've just been sitting here wasting time until it does. ooh....but i got so frustrated that i wrote a poem! heehee......well, a shot in the dark really but i think that takes care of creative energy for a good....well year? haha prolly not since a lot of stuff is going to happen from now on.
life is good. even if the poem's connotation doens't seem that way........................ i personally consider it a love poem. to others it might be propaganda. and yet again, it is partially plagiarized (well, a little bit.). and then again....it is still sappy recycled crap but that's the way life is isn'nt it? sorry rags, it's just a little bit profane.
but u know what, i'm at peace after writing it so w/e.....love all you guys! and dont ever be afraid to tell me aNYTHING. i can handle it. ************************ the tears on my fingers (the moment of weakness) “life is one big anticlimax” (s)he said it without blinking without thinking how much it would hurt me inside. they say it’s only naïveté to believe in God’s wonders to believe He will open windows in the dark run-down rusty, musty dusty Victorian mansion of the world. where cynics, heathens and cretins control the air we breathe the love we need even the fucking place we pee!
where we mercilessly debate how selfishly, how altruistically, how nobly we can live. and then just brush it off like the dust of our fathers. while innocent young men and women sell their souls to intimidating demons that sit on their stools of evil from OfficeMax and calculate how much purity can be taken until the spawn surpasses the master. all the while fighting and screaming screaming until throats grow hoarse and yet still shouting and ranting! and chanting and chanting! until the losers go crazy and the winner become madder still and believe that – *paranoia* everybody’s coming to get them to lie to and cheat and steal just to keep from being hungry to maintain their own livelihoods while the world around them, around us tumbles into red-hot stagnation that is the ultimate chaos that awaits us all…!
to consume us to strip us of our souls to suck at our breath until we are the icy cold Golem that roam free even on Earth. Hope, there is but little but yet… perhaps? Maybe? Un peu?! even a cynical French bastard – no wait a cynical French-hating bastard must agree (Please pardon the rampant, commercialized, necessary-to-get-the-damned-point-across plagiarism) that hope remains while we are true? keeping up those screwed up appearances beating down the barriers we make for ourselves making our own lives a living Hell, while we suck the innocence out of our children and yet still expect them to save our asses for the future.
to be real, to be freed to trust again, to feel and to not fear to breathe the sweet air that is outside in the blinding, redeeming light where roaches are afraid to scurry. soaking up the poison that fills our minds and cripples our bodies that shed blue tears and black blood that tastes of bitterness, sponges of our society only wish that they could remedy the pain and suffering of our world. Oh God forbid! that they should ever fail for only they keep us from turning to self-cannibalism by allowing we ingrates to feed upon them while they bite their tongues, knowing it’s the only God-damned way. we feed like vultures like werewolves that know nothing but savagery. failed expectations miserable efforts dodge every corner, waiting to pounce, to dishearten to dismember all we have left so we feed more and more while the anticlimax that is life looms like the shadow.
but this is no anticlimax of some fucked up Elizabethan play this is real. Real as nothing can be anymore. I’m not leaving and if you try, i'll hang on to your hand and tether you to my heart so that you CAN’T! even if you don’t understand if it turns out to be fake after all then at least we put up a good fight and made our own climax to this sad story. but hope is real it has to be it must be I NEED IT TO BE… ******************* yep, and that's it. the summer is still atrophic.
erg................................ and life is still unfair. but oh well........we have to get through it.......so i'm going to stop bitching and do something with it. lol. love you guys.... wo ai ni je t'aime ani ohevet ot'ach m'od m'od, kol hazman.......... jane 
