  after zoo yesterday, we (jane and i) went to the music store to pick up her stuff. we browsed through the piano section to find a "quiet" one so she can play "the scientist" for me.
the beginning chords actually sound correct, but when she started to play the melody on her other hand, she couldn't quite control the rythms of both hands. we went to her house after that. she impatiently waited for josh to call while i read her diay and discovered she's been schizo all her life.
haha. and i discovered "the idiot's guide to classical music" (kinda dissapointed though... cuz it's only clips of the actual pieces... hehe i want the full versions! ) we walked over to the park and met josh on the way. i believe my first words to him were "run... away from her! " (we were like 100 yards away from him and jane was talking about how she ran to him the last time... and i felt inclined to yell that... hehe) so i guess i sounded pretty resentful and that was definitely not the first impression i wanted to give to the captain of next year's AC team.
but what else could i say? oh well. so what if he's the captain? acceptance into the team shouldn't be determined based on personal bias anyways. so i have nothing to worry about... besides the fact that i can't even take the test properly! haha we played on swings for a while. despite my warnings... jane decided to get herself stuck in one of those kid swings. so we had some fun getting her out. then she tried to jump from the swing into josh's arms. on her first attempt, she kinda landed on the wood chips at the base of the swing set (josh wasn't paying much attention cuz he thought she wouldn't jump yet) while some ppl drove by and jeered.
on her second attempt she made it, but just barely. those stupid ppl drove around again and flicked us off. then she sat in josh's lap (talk about withholding! ) and tried to swing. i pushed them, but they were too heavy for the swing to move significantly.
they moved to the bleachers to "do their thing" while i messed around in the empty playground. the see-saw thingies were so miniature! and sliding off the tube thing... well let's just say that i was almost the length of it. i finally walk over to them (i didn't want to disturb them) and find their convo lacking. so we pick up the subject of sports and me and josh have a disagreement on why the vikings sucked last year.
we discover that jane has a HUGE developing rash on her hand so we hurry home and take steps to control it: 1)washed vigorously with ivory soap (it actually floats! haha) 2)cover affected area w/ pack of ice 3)calomine lotion and cortisone cream up the shizza! hehe 4)more ice to numb her hand so she won't scratch it the swelling/redness decreased on her hand, inflammations flared up on the rest of her body. ahh! jane thought she was going to die and that she was suffering condemnation from God. liang called and jane thought it was God for like 5 seconds (she prayed as she had never done in all her life).
i continue reading the diary and discover prevalent themes since the time she was 8: -wanting to be loved and to have someone to love -anger @ parents -thinking she is perfect -wanting to kill ppl and get revenge -schizoness ("HSPVA ROX/SUX!!!! " hahah) i spent the rest of my time trying to prevent her from scratching herself (you can't trick me!).
josh offered to take her to the ER, but that would just be awkward... she shows her rash to her dad and he acts all nonchalantly about it, so we decide to show it to her mom and see if she at least freaks out. she did, and was all paranoid about what caused it. still, her parents refuse to take her to the ER and make her take benadryl.
her mom tried to get her to take her precription pills but she's afraid of mixing meds (aspirin+ibuprofen=internal bleeding i hope you're better now... or at least is still resisting the urge to scratch. i realized how lucky i am to have found someone with whom i can be myself and speak my thoughts. someone with whom there never needs to be a pretense. someone i can love without regrets. jane realized that she cares for josh, but not as much as she did for jason.
maybe this whole thing happened too soon after jason left. she was looking for someone... anyone to be with. the thought of instability scares her. she's still deliberating whether to end it. i hope the decision you make is because of the right reasons. your dad was so oblivious at dinner! i mean... he was sitting right there and didn't so much as act like he heard us. jason is evil, so is josh... for taking advantage of someone so vulnerable... knowing she will take flattery and attention in whichever way she can get it.
may they suffer eternal damnation! 
