  I have to admit that spring break has not been that great for me. My kids are home from school and I have no money to take them anywhere and the weather outside has relegated us all to the house. I have been left to contemplate my financial demise, all the while wondering how I'm going to keep myself from driving the kids crazy with my own personal crap. It is very hard to go through life and maintain a happy environment for the kids when your own life is slowly going down the perverbial toilet.
I love my kids and I don't want them to feel the financial squeeze. But when they are asking for every little thing that they see, it all costs money, which we have little of these days. I have kept them at home with videos, computer games, baking cookies, drawing, and gymnastics class. They seem to be doing OK. They sure fight a lot more when they are stuck at home. I can't wait to go out for dinner on Friday night and leave them to someone else for a few hours. It will also help me to forget about what is happening to my own financial plan. You may have noticed that I'm fixated on money today.
That's just it. I hate money. I have never strived to get more, spent money like water, or hoarded it for no purpose other than fear. I have simply used it so that I can live in this culture we call civilization. I am some what tired of the status quo of North America and would like to "check out". You know, move to some tropical place and exist on the sales of some item while living in some small little hut.
The kids could learn to read and walk to some one room school in the jungle. It sounds so surreal, but in the end it wouldn't really solve anything. It would just be a way to hide from what is happening here. I thought that going to dinner on Friday would distract my mind from the financial disaster that seems to be waiting around the corner, but it didn't. Actually, it intensified it somewhat. We had been enjoying our evening, eating, laughing, and tasting some excellent wines. Then our credit card was denied. All we knew last night was that they wanted to talk with my husband before they would OK the sale. Then even talking to him did not help. My brother-in-law ended up paying for our portion which only made my husband more embarassed.
We found out this morning that the problem was not even with our credit at all. Apparently they had flaged our account because we had recently switched to a different card and had also increased activity on the card. They were concerned because of the recent identity theft in BC. It was an honest mistake on the card companies part, but they should have called us instead of embarassing us at a family dinner.
My husband couldn't sleep last night, we had no sex, and I ended up with really bad heartburn. I tell you, it is not good to live worried about money. It is physically exhausting. I have to say that I feel paralyzed a lot of the time. Not sure of what to do, I am second guessing a lot of my decisions. In business you have to spend a lot of money to make any. Lately, we are spending more than we are making. I just hope that at some point it makes a difference to the bottom line. We are in desparate need of a break through. I often think that God likes it this way. Aside from the obvious attacks from His adversary, when we are in a corner God can do miracles. Yet, lately I have found that I am so paralyzed by what is happening that I am not really praying about it anymore. I don't know what to say to Him. It's like I'm sitting here wondering if He cares, yet at the same time expecting a last minute save.
It's very confusing. I find that I am so focused on the very emergent nature of my finances to the point of distraction in my spiritual life. That's it. The devil has done his job. How am I to grow closer to Jesus if all I am thinking about is money? How am I to effectively lead when I am focused on myself? Yet, if I ignore my very real problems and just think that God will fix it all, then won't I simply sink into bankrupcy? What a strange balance I am forced to obtain. I can only pray that I will be less distracted by the "real" world and more in tune with the spiritual events that are unfolding.
The devil's number one weapon against the friend of Jesus is distraction. He uses it on those not yet in relationship with Christ as well, but it is much more affective to keep the christian living without victory. My mom always told me that once you become a Christian you then have another choice; live with victory filled with the Holy Spirit, or be merely satisfied with the saving of your soul from the dispare of hell. It seems obvious which one you should pick. Trouble is, often the choice is not as clear as all that. I lived nearly half of my Christian walk "satisfied". I don't want to be satisfied anymore. But it is a constant struggle to push your spirit past comfort. I think that many Christians believe that they are to be satisfied. But we are not. Content yes, but not satisfied. When you are satisfied you are resigned to the status quo; you are essentially numb to the idea that your spirit needs to grow. If we are satisfied, then we would not strive for more of Jesus in our lives. If we are satisfied we would not see the point in telling anyone else about the joy in our hearts, because there is none.
Paul writes in Philippians 3:12-14 that he has not taken hold of "...that for which Christ Jesus took hold of..." him. He had not fulfilled all that God wanted for him yet. He also says the that he presses "...on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. " That doesn't sound like we should be satisfied. There are countless other scriptures that point in that direction. It seems an odd theology to preach dissatisfaction with your present state of relationship with Christ. But you have to admit, there is something knawing away at your inner spirit. Don't confuse it with being something to avoid. Seek it out and you just may discover that Jesus is banging very persistantly on a door that you simply have not opened to him. I think that I have effectively pulled my spirit out of the dumps. I see now what is happening. What a blessing to have the gift of writing. Maybe someday, I can be paid to do it. See, I'm back! ! 
